December 18th, 2006 by Atomictumor
Or late at night, I guess.
Having good ol’ Nodbob around has gone a ways toward distracting me from the whole monthiversary thing. While I don’t think I’d have gotten bent out of shape over it, I still haven’t given myself much time to think. After I retreated to my bedroom tonight, I looked at the picture framed in her great big frame she had for years, of us at the renewal looking away, and thought.
My thinking often turns to where she is, which means this will wind up becoming a theological diatribe.
I know, with very, very little doubt (nothing is certain to me, really ever. Love (me, her, kids) is, but not much else) that she is extant in some way, because I’ve felt strong sensations of her, in ways that would make my subconscious very clever if these phenomena are self produced. I don’t think its that clever, myself. I’ve pretty much described them here, so I won’t do it now, suffice to say, I’m convinced.
If that is the case, I wonder what she’s experiencing it? I almost feel like theres an anchor in me thats in that other side, simply because of the enormous amount we were invested in each other. Thats a weird feeling, sometimes. It completely changes the way I think about death, because for years now, I’ve had a somewhat nihilistic view of death, not necessarily that its a final termination of self, but that theres no organization to the afterlife.
Don’t ask me to explain it at 2:30 in the morning.
Anyway, I don’t think that anymore. I’m sure that BJ has communicated peace to me, in that same way that I’m sure that she is here, or has been here recently. If she’s in peace, then that nihilistic view may be off.
Still though, I have a hard time with the whole milk and honey view of death, that theres an eternal reward of peace and harmony. Purgatorial principles make some sense, but only because I think that human beings have the whole idea of “justice” drilled into their head. By the same token, the idea of eternal damnation for doing bad things seems even more illogical.
Ahh, the problems with theological musing, because I hit this point, where I understand that logic has nothing to do with it, because I don’t think I can comprehend the logic used by God, or whatever you’d call the thing behind all of this. I think my agnosticism of my years with BJ was just a way out of working these questions up, just a philosophical throwing up of the hands, and saying “fuck it”. I don’t really want to do that anymore, because I feel a little like (and I know about the logical thinking of THIS) if I can get a handle on these questions, if I can figure out exactly what I think, or what makes sense, or even what I want to believe (because, deep down, belief is a choice) I’ll be closer to where she is.
I think, in some way, if I can follow that anchor line between me and where she is, I’ll have a glimpse at it. But I’d only want to see her.
Which means I don’t appear to be over Step 1: Denial yet, huh?
And is my cue to go to bed.
I sure love you, little ghost.
December 18th, 2006 at 6:44 am
My pastor has talked about this.
He says if you gave away your days on Earth being bitter and angry and not loving you neighbor… what makes you think that when your time here is done that you’ll be any different?
God(?) is always there emanating peace but some people choose to close themselves off to it and it may take them a long while (even after death) to figure the Beauty out. (To me that’s purgatory.)
And some people never figure it out. (Hell?)
BJ loves you. Why should that change after her time on Earth is done?
I think the fact that you communicated with her while she was in the hospital what you had come to understand about the Beauty left channels of understanding open and it makes it easier for her to continue letting you know just how much she still loves you.
Peace and Beauty to you all.
December 18th, 2006 at 8:55 am
I believe that BJ is in heaven, a place of perfect peace and joy. I believe her love for you is what you are feeling. In addition, I think that Jesus WANTS you to know that. The love that the two of you have for each other is just a reflection of the love He has for both of you, and the kids. In his understanding of your grief, he is allowing you to continue to feel the presence of your beloved, to know that she is safe and content, and to know that He has a place for you there too. That’s why you have the feeling that you will be with her.
December 18th, 2006 at 8:59 am
little ghost is right.
December 18th, 2006 at 9:09 am
Hmmmm…I’ll think about all that.
December 18th, 2006 at 10:19 am
I don’t think we can know the answers to those questions you ponder, but I think we are called on to ponder them anyway. Either it is a Catch 22 or a restriction on living, meaning answers are the gift we find when we leave here. “ponder’ don’t ask me why that word popped up today, I don’t use it often. There are some deep thinkers who also have pondered death of loved ones…like CS Lewis, for one.
December 19th, 2006 at 1:13 am
Hey AT… damama is right…your love for BJ and her love for you is such a precious gift from God. Do you realize how many people go through an entire lifetime and never experience that kind of love? We are all so proud of you. I can see that you are trying so hard to be positive. The boys will definitely be influenced by your positive attitude. Positive meaning remembering all of those wonderful things about BJ, about your marriage, about her being a loving wife and mother to the little guys, and about your life together. God has blessed you in so many ways. So when you share your thoughts about BJ in such a loving way, you are bringing glory to God and you are being a blessing to others. The lives and hearts of many who read your words may be touched in ways that you will never know. At least not on earth, but in heaven your will be rewarded for glorifying God. Good night, AT. The “president” here at the “White House” is out of town so I can stay up passed my curfew…We love you and the little guys. Love Aunt Beck
December 23rd, 2006 at 10:55 pm
I agree with damama. From what you’ve said in the past, BJ had accepted Jesus as her Savior, and is in heaven now. The question left now is : Have you accepted Him? From what I’ve read, you are part intellectual(book smart), and part philosopher. And I’m sure much more(not to pigeon hole you)but my point is : You can be smart, sane, witty, fun, etc…and be a Christian too. People often look down on Christians or think they are simple minded, that’s just not true. Christianty, in my experience, is very supernatural, and at the same time, very logical. I really wish you would visit the church I attend, or find one that deals with the “person” not just a bunch of rituals and rules, like alot of churches are prone to doing. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with those kind, I just think, traditional churches are not changing with the times, and are missing the mark when it comes to the younger generation. The name of my church is Faith Promise and it’s located off Pellissipi Pkwy web site is www.faithpromise.org, for more info. I think you would love it there.