December 18th, 2006 by Atomictumor
Sadness has my voice low, and my throat choked up this morning. I wasn’t really expecting that, but I guess I’m not getting off as easily as I was led to believe last night.
I want to explain something about the sadness, its a hopeful sadness. I’m sad, but at the same time aware of The Beauty when it happens, aware of the 10 years with her, 10 perfect years, aware of how much she loved me and our family together, aware of how happy she was before she died.
I’m aware that her life could have been worse. Her death could have been worse.
I’m wondering today what her last words would have been, and thinking how fitting it was that it was me saying them for both of us. She explained during our wedding ceremony, when she recited the vows she came up with, the ones that made my heart rise and my body sway, that I’ve always been the talker. Its true, if theres a silent moment, it’d be me to fill it up. She was pretty introverted, and I always loved that about her. Evidently she liked my extroversion, or whatever its called, because she’d smile when I’d tell her how much I love her, and all that stuff about moving mountains and whatnot.
I’d kiss the back of her neck as I said it.
Ahh, sadness. Its OK. Sadness is a tribute to her, its refreshing. Today is the anniversary (monthiversary, whatever) of when her body died. 8:37 PM, if I recall correctly.
December 18th, 2006 at 10:52 am
“Sadness is a tribute to her.”
Indeed.
December 18th, 2006 at 10:55 am
So fitting then that you are still the one talking and writing and she is still silently loving you.
…and smiling when you talk about how much you love her.
December 18th, 2006 at 11:27 am
Hang in there man. You and the kids are in my thoughts.
December 18th, 2006 at 11:33 am
Thinking of you and the family today.
May BJ’s candle burn bright and fierce forever in your hearts.
December 18th, 2006 at 2:21 pm
…that post was ‘beauty’ful…
December 18th, 2006 at 2:45 pm
yes.
December 18th, 2006 at 5:03 pm
Commented over in the real time, but wanted to comment here as well. Just wanted to check in and say Hi and to tell you that we are still here and still praying.
I try to visit regularly but not comment as much as I do not want to be a bother. Bottomline, this is / was a great post, every hard to read, and very thought provoking. Great stuff.
We are looking forward to the death metal CD / MP3 as that sounds like a top prospect of 2007 CD of the year.
Know we are here, still praying and reading. Stay strong and be courageous.
December 18th, 2006 at 8:22 pm
Still here, still thinking of you. I wholeheartedly agree about your sadness being a tribute to her. Everything you have been writing about, the story of your love, as well as what you’re going through now– it’s all a big, beautiful tribute. Any of us would be lucky in our own lifetimes to share a love like the one you & BJ do. Jules
December 18th, 2006 at 9:16 pm
Aw hell. It’s 8:18 here, which means it’s 9:18 there…hope that 8:37 came and went without too much agony. I know that wherever she is, she’s thinking of you too.
December 19th, 2006 at 8:54 am
Actually, at 8:37 I was sitting in the front yard looking at the spot where we had our renewal, completely oblivious to the fact that it was 8:37. Worked out well, I felt a nice feeling of peace.
December 19th, 2006 at 5:23 pm
FWIW, I think you’re handling this amazingly well, considering the suckitude of it all. I damn near lost my marbles and all the friends I had when my dad died…well, it didn’t help that around the same time I lost my job and had to move to a new town hundreds of miles from all my friends in the old one…
The really crappy thing was I felt so bad that I pretty much couldn’t trust my emotions, at all, ever, and it took me a while to un-learn that once things settled down. It’s hard to describe, but it was damn hard to make friends while I was feeling like all I wanted to do was go hide in a hole.
It finally went away, but I don’t even really want to tell you how damn long it took.
I think some change is probably good, but I waited like two years longer than I should have to marry my now-hubster, simply cause I didn’t trust myself.