OK, I think a problem I have is a lack of things to do. This is going somewhere.
My problem with doing things has always been a lack of motivation.
Simultaneously, I want things to improve my lot. Not entirely necessary things, either, creature comforts.
I want to get new geekery for the living room computer, and expand on its capability as a media center. New case so it can function as a component system, better powersupply, smaller motherboard to fit in the case (and is more SATA capable so that it pulls that data faster). I need a Hauppage video card in order to use it as a cable box. A gig or two of RAM, and a decently fast processor.
I’ve planned that out for a while. Figure, if done right, 500 bucks.
I want to get a PDA, so that I can keep to-do lists on me, and so that I can keep closer to my finances. I’m the type of man that could use internet access on my belt.
I want to get a newish Accord, I believe, probably an 04 or 05 with a dozen or so thousand miles on it, if I can. It’d be cheaper, but last about as long. That’ll knock out that big ol’ van payment.
Things like that make good motivation.
I have plenty of things to do.
I can clean up the redneckified back yard we’ve had since we moved in here, plant some flowers, make it look nice.
I can organize the playroom, hang shelving, get some room in there for my tools.
I can change the antifreeze in the Volvo.
I can run ethernet to MastaG’s computer and fix the vents so the pipes don’t freeze this winter.
I can run the home theater wire that I’ve had for 2 years and re-hook up the back speakers that have been down since BJ and I flipped the living room around back in like June.
And thats just what I came up with (see, if I had that PDA, I could write em down while I still remembered… I’m just not a paper and pencil guy) off the top of my head. Theres probably 4 or 5 times that many things that would be really handy. Like fix the toilet paper roll in the bathroom.
My super plan, my amazingly awesome and rockinest plan, is to assign point values to these things that need to be done, and do them to acquire enough points in order to purchase these luxuries from myself.
Clever, huh?
Or maybe I can just keep coming up with schemes. Thats good too.
So, I have a hard time communicating right now, evidently, and leaves room for ambiguity when I write posts about how I feel. For some reason, tho, emails I can send. I think this does a good job of capping the conversation we all had earlier…
Hi,
No, don’t misunderstand me, its not that I’m dangerous or anything, its just that when I voice things that come straight through my head, like today, or when I got the organ donation letters, I’m never thrilled with the response. I don’t know what I’m after!
My sense of humor hasn’t entirely failed me, and my reason isn’t gone either. I know this is a phase. I think it comes between anger and disco, or something.
I was hospitalized for bi-polar suicidality back when I was 16, so I know my limits really well. I’ve never had a flair up of the ol’ manic depression that put me in trouble (its there, you can read my writing (even from back before this started) and see I go through inspirations and funks, but I guess everybody does), and I’m nowhere near being too manic or depressed. Its more demoralized than depressed, its that I’ve had such a huge shock that I don’t know whats up or down.
I think Christmas has a lot to do with it, and its over (G and I chucked the tree out the back door an hour ago, and its sooooo nice to have light in the living room again!). I didn’t sleep much last night, and I’ve been up till midnight for the past 2 weeks. I got up at 6 and dealt with work AND the kids today, so yeah, stress was totally there.
I think its understandable, from an objective point of view, which I’m able to achieve right now.
I feel like I’m caught in a vice, tho, with work. Thats uncomfortable. I’m enough of a realist to not up and take off, I’m impulsive when it comes to buying geeky stuff, or inappropriate contact with the wife (sigh), but not to major things. I love change, but my basic laziness overrules it. Basically, I wouldn’t quit without a plan, and while I come up with plans quickly, I sit on them for months before acting (like the move to Chattanooga-go to UTC thing).
I’m afraid if I did leave, I’d miss this place. BJ and I really lucked into this house. She had the idea of painting the bedroom purple, which became so relaxing, with the glossy white doors and sills, and the dark flat purple walls. No furniture, just a TV and a bed.
I love being in there (not so much now, because its messy, but I've got 40% of the house cleaned up as we speak), and I'd hate to leave it, because its something she did that I loved. It tortures me, at the same time. I try to get that feel of her that I had the first few days, where I'd talk and I'd 'hear' her, but if she ever was really there, I don't hear her now. That gave me a lot of peace the first week or two, and I miss it. Now I just hear silence when I talk.\n
Same with the 'tumor. I'd post something like this, but I'm afraid somebody (1 out of 20) would say something dumb, and get me all angry or something. I crave the comfort I got from the site in November, but I'm not getting it now. Bos was here earlier, and I was explaining this, and he asked "what are you looking for?", and I have no clue.
I doubt I'll find that.
With regards to the PTS issues, I don't know. Its possible, but I'm not having any anxiety. I would think that anxiety would go with it all. I'm having stress, if thats the same thing, and a lot of pressure to something (not sure what the pressure is wanting out of me). I love those boys. I don't lean on them, tho. I'm 100% certain that I'm treating them as I would if BJ were here. Thats my big fear, that I'll traumatize them further, but its no different from the fear that you'll drop a baby or something, just irrational. \n
Problem is, when you try to convince somebody you're not crazy, what happens?
I think if this doesn't lighten up by Thursday, I'm going to see about some sort of therapy. I don't know how to start looking, I might talk to some of the people I met in the ICU and see if they recommend somebody. Mebbe the neurologist would know. \n
And Velvet Underground is gooood. I bought Loaded (along with a bunch of other good records) for my christmas present, and its red, and transparent. Now, tell me thats not cool…”,1] );
I love being in there (not so much now, because its messy, but I’ve got 40% of the house cleaned up as we speak), and I’d hate to leave it, because its something she did that I loved. It tortures me, at the same time. I try to get that feel of her that I had the first few days, where I’d talk and I’d ‘hear’ her, but if she ever was really there, I don’t hear her now. That gave me a lot of peace the first week or two, and I miss it. Now I just hear silence when I talk.
Same with the ‘tumor. I’d post something like this, but I’m afraid somebody (1 out of 20) would say something dumb, and get me all angry or something. I crave the comfort I got from the site in November, but I’m not getting it now. Bos was here earlier, and I was explaining this, and he asked “what are you looking for?”, and I have no clue.
I doubt I’ll find that.
With regards to the PTS issues, I don’t know. Its possible, but I’m not having any anxiety. I would think that anxiety would go with it all. I’m having stress, if thats the same thing, and a lot of pressure to something (not sure what the pressure is wanting out of me). I love those boys. I don’t lean on them, tho. I’m 100% certain that I’m treating them as I would if BJ were here. Thats my big fear, that I’ll traumatize them further, but its no different from the fear that you’ll drop a baby or something, just irrational.
Problem is, when you try to convince somebody you’re not crazy, what happens?
I think if this doesn’t lighten up by Thursday, I’m going to see about some sort of therapy. I don’t know how to start looking, I might talk to some of the people I met in the ICU and see if they recommend somebody. Mebbe the neurologist would know.
And Velvet Underground is gooood. I bought Loaded (along with a bunch of other good records) for my christmas present, and its red, and transparent. Now, tell me thats not cool…
So, that about sums it up.
I really love the fact that I can write something here asking for help (and yes, it was hard to ask for… I’m the type of person who likes to have the weight of the world without mentioning it… I’d be sick and BJ would never notice).
A lot of this is really boiling down to wants. Yes, I can work. I really, really, don’t WANT to go into the office while the kids are in school. I bought a $60 bluetooth headset to replace the broken one they gave me because I thought the work at home thing was open ended. I have no real use for it otherwise. I can’t see a reason that the boss wants me in the office, and I hate being told to do something for ambiguous reasons, which goes back to my whole punk-rock-screw-authority thing. Yep, he’s the boss, and since he pays me, he makes the rules.
So it boils down to want and not want. I just want things to go MY WAY for a little while, I think, and the world doesn’t work that way.
But, at the same time, the boys and I are going to have a Nerf gun war when we clean the house up, with the 6 billion Nerf guns they got, so that’ll be going my way. Really, all sorts of things are going my way. Life is good. They had a great (GREAT) Christmas, and they’re coping damn well with all of this. I’m lucky for that.
I’m feeling the clock ticking about going to school. As I mentioned in the comments, things were supposed to be different now. This past year was the last uphill year, BJ was going to be done with school now, and our income was going to more than double. That would have been great, and its not going to happen, and I don’t want another uphill year.
I need to go to school, as Alice said, and I agree with that wholeheartedly. I need to go full time, so I’ll be out before I’m 40 (can’t pay for my college and MastaG’s, and it’d be nice to have some income while the kids still live with me). I NEED to not be working full time and going to school full time, because theres no way that would work without sacrificing the kids, and I’m not going to do that, I love the punks too much.
Where does that leave me? Somebody up there was talking about “a plan”, and I’ve started that somewhat, by sending some emails to some contacts at the community college. My plan is to go to school there part time this semester while I figure out finances, and start full time in the fall.
That is, until I change my mind, which happens often.
Right now, maniacal, bloodthirsty laughter comes from the vicinity of the playroom, where Pigpen’s new Hot Wheels Car Wreck Extravaganza (yes, Virginia, there are two hot wheels sets) is currently destroying his new cars. Its pretty cool, actually.
I’ve been quiet here, because I don’t really want to bring people down (well, I’ve been posting, but they’re super secret and you can’t see it, nanner) but this has been a really, really rough time for me. I’m depressed, I’m alternately angry and sad, and I don’t know what to do with myself.
Today I met with the boss, and found out that despite his earlier declaration that I’ll be able to work from home “indefinitely”, he wants me to be back in the office on a daily basis (4 days a week). I have a really really hard time with that.
I don’t like to air work stuff here, for one because work people probably read the thing (but not at work, because that’d be unproductive, right?) and for another because I don’t like to talk bad about the people that pay me. Just doesn’t seem right.
Problem is, I can’t do it. I mean, I worked since 6, and met the boss at 9, but like damn near everything else its causing me palpable pain and stress. All I think I’m capable of doing is
Hanging out with the kids and trying to make them comforable
Clean up the house
Try to communicate, here, and to friends and family. Thats really hard.
I don’t know what to do. I mean, I really don’t. Evidently I can’t take a FMLA leave, because BJ had the gall to die before I was working a year at this place. Should I talk to HR?
I have an urge to put in a two weeks and quit, but I don’t know if that’d be a bridge I need to cross.
Thing is, folks, I shit you not, I don’t think I can do this. I mean, I really don’t