December 26th, 2006 by Atomictumor
Right now, maniacal, bloodthirsty laughter comes from the vicinity of the playroom, where Pigpen’s new Hot Wheels Car Wreck Extravaganza (yes, Virginia, there are two hot wheels sets) is currently destroying his new cars. Its pretty cool, actually.
I’ve been quiet here, because I don’t really want to bring people down (well, I’ve been posting, but they’re super secret and you can’t see it, nanner) but this has been a really, really rough time for me. I’m depressed, I’m alternately angry and sad, and I don’t know what to do with myself.
Today I met with the boss, and found out that despite his earlier declaration that I’ll be able to work from home “indefinitely”, he wants me to be back in the office on a daily basis (4 days a week). I have a really really hard time with that.
I don’t like to air work stuff here, for one because work people probably read the thing (but not at work, because that’d be unproductive, right?) and for another because I don’t like to talk bad about the people that pay me. Just doesn’t seem right.
Problem is, I can’t do it. I mean, I worked since 6, and met the boss at 9, but like damn near everything else its causing me palpable pain and stress. All I think I’m capable of doing is
- Hanging out with the kids and trying to make them comforable
- Clean up the house
- Try to communicate, here, and to friends and family. Thats really hard.
I don’t know what to do. I mean, I really don’t. Evidently I can’t take a FMLA leave, because BJ had the gall to die before I was working a year at this place. Should I talk to HR?
I have an urge to put in a two weeks and quit, but I don’t know if that’d be a bridge I need to cross.
Thing is, folks, I shit you not, I don’t think I can do this. I mean, I really don’t
Assist, please.
December 26th, 2006 at 11:37 am
You’re one of the strongest, most capable people I know… you can do what you need to.
Maybe that means going back to work for now, but formulating a different plan for later. Maybe going back will prove to be not so bad as you think it will.
Maybe the different plan will show itself sooner rather than later, but only you can decide what’s truly best for you and your boys.
Lean on us if you need to, but you will get through this.
December 26th, 2006 at 11:53 am
maybe practical questions might help, even though the emotions are overwhelming. Can you logistically work and take care of the kids,,such as transport to school, before or after school hours? Can you afford some deserved time off from life. Do the boys need you very much just now, or do they seem to be coping relatively well. How difficult is it to find a comparable job when you are ready to return? I would offer advice that you do whatever you NEED, as long as the basic needs can be met. Just don’t use staying home as an escape at all. I would so want to hide from the world in your position. Not venture out to the store, friends, anything. You are doing so well already. Everyone is different. You mentioned getting back into the single world a bit the other day. I think you should at some point, because you might need someone to bop you, when you get cranky and run all amuck. Anyhow BJ might have a hand in sending someone your way one day, and it would be rude to not notice!
December 26th, 2006 at 11:55 am
Is it possible to talk to HR and work something out where you can be home when the kids are home? Even part time? If the company isn’t run by total monsters, I don’t see how they could deny you time to get some things together.
Thing is, perhaps being with strangers may be just the necessary annoying distraction that keeps you from thinking too much about the overwhelming loss of your beloved right now.
Sounds crass, but you might as well make money to make ends meet if your going to be miserable either way.
I wish you peace, AT. You have endured a LOT, and touched this stranger with your life story. You deserve a break.
December 26th, 2006 at 11:57 am
You say you don’t qualify for FML at your company…how much longer till that kicks in? You probably do have medical, though. Have you stopped by for a check up? You are doing great handling things alone (and with your family and friends). Above average in that regard, I think. But, talking to someone who is not friend or family and who can give the advice you ask for, might be a good way to spend an afternoon. Look around your area and see what sounds good. And, even not knowing you, I already know you don’t want to do that. But, changing perspective can change reality. I have to add, that when I look at the photos you post I always think how much you & your boys look like my family. I have a photo of my nephew who looks so much like your son. Freaky, but we would be proud to call you ours.
December 26th, 2006 at 11:58 am
No, to clarify, I’ll be working at home in the morning and afternoons, when the kids aren’t at school.
December 26th, 2006 at 12:11 pm
See, a lot of the problem I have is difficult to clarify in words. I don’t have much ‘me’ to spread around at work. I’m too incoherent and scatterbrained at this point. I can’t concentrate.
Going out, grocery shopping, things like that are no problem. Running the house is no problem. I just have a hard time with working. Its not just so much the going into the office, but the thing in general. I mean, I can sit with my head on the desk all day, which would be my motivation, but I think that’d be ripping them off, and I’d feel bad about doing it.
MSueS, what were you meaning about medical? I do have insurance, which would be a big consideration (and one that I haven’t thought of) if I left work, but I haven’t gone to a doc. Its probably a good idea, but when? I’m supposed to work 40 hours a week, get off at 3:30, and then run out to the doc?
I just don’t have the energy, man.
December 26th, 2006 at 12:21 pm
I know the kids would qualify for Tenncare but they have changed rules and it might be hard for you to qualify. You can go online and look up the qualifications for Tenncare so you might could solve your insurance issues. Also, it normally doesn’t cost an arm and a leg to insure just yourself through a private insurance company. Also, have you considered maybe just for the rest of the kids school year, working at their school? Your hours would be the same as theirs and you might even see them during the day. Most schools have odd jobs available during the year that anyone could do. Just throwing stuff out there. I know it’s not the best ideas ever. How about starting your own business (with computers…building webpages, whatever your talent is)?
December 26th, 2006 at 12:23 pm
atomictumor, chin up and if that is a bridge you must burn, strike the match in their face. For one, you have to work if you want to keep anything you have earned. Two, just as your kids need you, so do the people at your work. Take it as a new day and let things unroll to be accepting of the people around your workplace. Three, you get to go back home when the day is over. Make plans to do the best you can, and if they do not like it, well! Anybody have a match?
December 26th, 2006 at 12:26 pm
So here we go. This is just a suggestion. How’s this: Since you do not qualify for FMLA and you probably have eatten all your sick and vacation — how about taking a block of unpaid personal leave? You can pay your contribution to your health insurance with BJ’s fund and take like 30 to 60 days off. It is all in the sales pitch to your Boss though. Just level with the guy — write it in a letter if you have to and give it to him. You see, we were in a similar situation with W. I had not qualified for FMLA yet either. The personal leave is not a gurantee — it is really up to the bossman.
December 26th, 2006 at 12:39 pm
If you can get more time off, great. But if you can, I’d try to go back to work–and not with a two-week deadline in mind. Instead, I’d break it down into extremely small parts–say, I’ll do my very best for one hour. Then later, I’ll try really hard for just one day.
And if you are really miserable, and you can see things aren’t improving at all, by all means look to make some changes–just make sure you have your new plans lined up before you burn the bridges with your job.
Hey, is there a policy at your office for other employees to donate some of their leave time to you?
December 26th, 2006 at 12:40 pm
Your boss might also get a better understanding of how tough it is for you once s/he is seeing you on a daily basis. Honestly, this is one of the moments that seperate good bosses from bad ones.
Don’t burn the bridge before you have to though.
December 26th, 2006 at 12:54 pm
You become eligible for fmla leave once you have worked for a company for 12 months. While BJ’s death may not qualify you (because she passed away before your year anniversary) once you reach your year there (if you haven’t already) you could be eligible for leave for another issue such as say…depression or anxiety resulting from her death or any other “serious health condition.”. I am an employment lawyer so I deal with this stuff all the time. If you need any advice, feel free to email me.
December 26th, 2006 at 1:10 pm
Dude, I care.
There are no easy answers. Contact Kris, the lawyer, about previous suggestions.
But ultimately, only you know what you can handle. I think your mom (and others) is right in that you may discover you can handle work … as a distraction until you know for sure that you need to burn that bridge.
Good luck. I care … as do many of us strangers.
December 26th, 2006 at 1:19 pm
I know this is hard, but you will feel better if you get your head in the game and go back to work. That is what you need to do for your kids. I have been in your shoes and it is hard, but believe me, staying home all day is NOT the answer. Go back to work
December 26th, 2006 at 1:26 pm
My situation was completely different, but when my ex left me, I crashed emotionally and physically. I moved to a different state, went back to school and started over with the help of family. Just listen to whatever your heart is telling you. You have the boys best interests in there. If it’s too scrambled to figure out, talk to a real live expert. I use the Internet for free therapy for myself, but more important stuff deserves face to face with a professional.
December 26th, 2006 at 1:31 pm
I would be cautious about burning bridges/turning in your notice. Your company knows your value and your history - and because you are a valued amployee going through hell, they’re willing to work with you (and the kids’ school schedules) and be flexible. A new employer isn’t likely to be so accommodating.
Plus, from personal experience, staying home all day can contribute to depression.
Dude, I care.
December 26th, 2006 at 1:35 pm
Hi - I am a lurker….hope you don’t mind…. Were you asking for an assist on the work situation, or an assist on feeling that you can’t get through this really rough time? I ask because I have been there. I lost my fiance to quickly moving cancer. I was 23, he was 30. That was years ago - but I still think about the fear and desperation and anger I struggled with after his death. I didn’t have kids then, but oh the overwhelming feeling of panic and loss and “what do I do now?” questions. I didn’t think I would ever be able to go back to work, or have a normal conversation. I did what any mature person would do (not) and quit my job, packed up my things, and moved across the country, leaving behind my family and our collective friends. In retrospect, it was the probably the worst thing I could do, because I cut myself off from any support. I just couldn’t do it though. So, I spent a long while waiting tables to pay the rent, hibernating when not working, putting in the minimum amount of social time. I just kept doing it until I got sick of myself, really. I just kind of faked it until that wasn’t enough anymore. Eventually, I wanted to go back to my career-driven job, wanted to have people around me again. Today, I am glad I took that time. The people who really cared about me gave me that space and time, and I am forever grateful for that. I learned a lot about myself and my depths and my limits. You have the reward and challenge of kids, but as long as you do right by them, loving and feeding and clothing, etc, then go with your heart.
Anyway, it’s hard to put a major life-changing event in an email paragraph, so if you want to email me, feel free.
Best,
S
December 26th, 2006 at 1:50 pm
What would BJ Do/Say?
Would she say …
“That’s enought playing around and being a TDOT and get your ass back to work!”?
It sucks that she’s gone.
It’s nice that you will only have to put in a four day week. (How many other places will let you do that?)
Remember all those insane hours you put in washing dishes when you were just starting out? How easy is this job compared to that?
There are plenty of working moms out there (single and married) that do put in a 40 hour week, come home and take care of the house, husband and kids and do manage to get everyone to the doctor. (Saturday appointments-make them early!!)
All things are possible and you can do it. You have these kids to take care of so you don’t have a choice. That kind of sucks too. But since being independently wealthy was not your lot in life (at least up to now) that’s just the way the ball bounces.
Go back and take it one hour at a time.
We are with you and so is BJ.
December 26th, 2006 at 1:52 pm
Does your employer have an Employee Assistance Program? If you haven’t spoken to them already, it may help and they may be able to help you find some sort of compromise with your boss.
December 26th, 2006 at 1:58 pm
I get the feeling some of you don’t seem to understand the desperation in the post above, and just think that I’m being fickle, or lazy, or something.That was whiny.
Still, trust me, if it were a ’suck it up, AT’ thing I wouldn’t have posted it. I have no idea what I want or need to do. Somebody mentioned doing what BJ would do, and I think thats pointless, because if she were here, she’d have been out of school by now making a second income. She was supposed to graduate in December.
So, yeah, things would have been different. I might have been quitting my job to do full time school ANYWAY, if she was making enough money.
I need a degree, but I don’t have enough in me to do school, work, and dad at the same time. So some people do? Give em a medal.
I don’t think I do, and its too important to be a dad to run the risk of fucking it up.
December 26th, 2006 at 2:04 pm
Does your employer/insurance cover counseling? The desperation is coming through and you might need some help with that.
Didn’t mean to sound harsh.
Just worried for you.
Peace to you and the boys
December 26th, 2006 at 2:04 pm
I think you are being depressed. Start filling your schedule.
December 26th, 2006 at 2:06 pm
Dude, I don’t have time to blow my nose. Seriously, schedule is full.
December 26th, 2006 at 2:06 pm
How is your exercise regime, kids joining in? Last I seen you, pretty fit young man. There is more out there for you.
December 26th, 2006 at 2:19 pm
I would not find anything wrong working by your side, whether I knew more about you or not. I do not know about the ones you work with, but some interaction that pays is always welcomed in my books.
December 26th, 2006 at 2:31 pm
Anyway, I hope you have the best in your decision and find the way to you.
December 26th, 2006 at 2:32 pm
Can you get by without your job? Or, better question: can you get by without your job for very long?
It sounds like you have very, very flexible scheduling, even if they do ask you to start spending more time in the office. I can tell you, as someone who has been a single parent herself, that a boss’s willingness to be flexible with scheduling to accomodate parenting is EXTREMELY rare, and something to value. Please take that into consideration before quitting.
Could you cut back to half time for a while? With a written proposal to phase back into full time over a period of months?
Before making any decision, I would see a doctor to get possible depression diagnosis. An official diagnosis will assist you in making whatever case you need to make to your bosses.
If you really need your job to take care of your boys, then I strongly encourage you to slow down and be very careful before walking away from a job where they obviously care about you, value you, and want to work with your parenting responsibilities. Not many jobs are going to offer that.
Thinking of you-
Katie
December 26th, 2006 at 2:33 pm
Jake, hon .. I know you aren’t the type to seek out therapy or anything, but really, think about consulting a grief counselor or a support group. They can help you work through this. This is some major big stuff, and I can’t imagine going through it alone. You have a marvelous network of friends and family, and that support is invaluable. But there may be some aspects of your grief that you can’t or don’t want to share with people you know. This is where the detached third-party comes in as being useful.
Talk to HR. Yes.
Take some more time off … a leave of absence or something. Now is not the time to be making major life decisions, like quitting your job, moving, going back to school, etc.
If you need to fall apart and meltdown, do so. No one is going to fault you for that, and if anything, will only wonder why it took so long.
We’re all still here for ya ..
December 26th, 2006 at 2:37 pm
PS: And depression sucks. Please get help. Let medical people help you, and let meds help you if that will do the trick. You are going to suffer and hurt because of your terrible losss. No one can change that. But with some help, you may be able to feel less overwhelmed and better able to cope with the suffering and loss.
December 26th, 2006 at 2:38 pm
In 23 minutes I’ll have made it through my first 8 hour day since BJ got sick.
I’d be lying if I said that didn’t feel like an accomplishment, but it doesn’t nullify what I was saying earlier.
December 26th, 2006 at 3:03 pm
Go AT! (For putting in your 8 for the man!)
Now crack open a brew and fart and grunt. =)
December 26th, 2006 at 3:12 pm
At this point you probably need to just keep busy — keep moving and going through the motions at least, until you reach the point where you can feel comfortable in your life again. Go ahead an use whatever resources you have — who has offered to help out? Take them up on their offers. Get the grandparents more involved. Do whatever it is you need to do to stay sane(ish) in the short term while you give yourself time to percolate over the long term.
I suspect you’re going to really need to go back to school (as opposed to sort of idly wanting to go back to school) — it’ll get you a better job, make better use of your obvious intelligence, and watching you struggle to advance your education may help the boys place a greater value on education than they might have had otherwise.
Unless it’s part of a larger plan, quitting your job at this point is going to leave you with all the problems you have now, plus no job. If you can stick it out until you’ve figured out what you want to do and how you’re going to do it, you’ll have more options.
Happy Boxing Day. Sorry it kinda sucks.
December 26th, 2006 at 3:21 pm
Dude, I care.
Is it possible for you to go part time (I might be repeating other assvice, here since I didn’t fully read everyone’s posts– sorry if that’s the case) for awhile, say 3 or 6 months (or however long it’s financially feasible for you to do so)?
I can’t imagine the strength it probably took you to ask for help at the end of this entry, but I am glad you did and hope that you can not only get some insurance-covered therapy, but also that if you talk to your HR people or your boss, that they are understanding and can work with you on this– I mean, hopefully what your boss asked of you isn’t “FIRM”.
I have no idea if what I just wrote will help you in any way, but please please please keep reaching out and asking for help.
Take care.
Jules
December 26th, 2006 at 4:05 pm
AT, it’s time for you to see the doc. If it truly isn’t possible to suck it up and do it, then you really do need to go see a doctor to treat your depression.
After 3:30 if necessary.
You need to hang on to the job, at least until you have a plan.
Burning bridges is for children and fools. And children shouldn’t be playing with matches.
December 26th, 2006 at 4:09 pm
Yeah, lets go ahead and end the assisting now…
I like matches…
December 26th, 2006 at 4:21 pm
Well, if you are going to take Tim’s advice and grunt and …ahem make other bodily noises…a can of air freshener might be the better choice.
December 26th, 2006 at 4:21 pm
Wow AT, when you ask for advice the flood gates open. People really like you (to sorta quote Sally Field). I hear what you are saying and that is why I brought up medical. You sound like you would have kicked yourself in gear if it were possible (since you show incredible strength), and since you haven’t, then it means you need something that you can’t provide alone. I don’t know when you would find time for a group session or a doctor visit. What I hear you saying (so maybe it is far from what you are really saying) is that you have suddenly found yourself having to make all the decisions, being the only adult in a world that used to be the two of you shouldering the responsibilities. You played by the rules and still lost. And you do a terrific job of holding it together when mandatory (like with the kids) but anything that is even remotely not required (like dealing with people and work) , you find yourself unable to cope. What I was saying earlier about seeing someone (maybe medical, maybe just a group of single parents who meet and talk with each other ) is that nothing you have said is unusual. It is new to you and seems insurmountable(if that is a word?) but is really predictible. Maybe hearing that from some one who understands the logistical problems of day to day grief would help you understand yourself and understanding would help you get through the day. I know (or think I know from your posts) that you pride yourself on not going on the usual grief route. But, denying it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Grief is a fog that enters your soul and directs your movements, often without your approval. A little poetic, but I think it is true. Find a way to deal with the grief and the other questions will settle themselves.
December 26th, 2006 at 4:49 pm
First, you don’t know me from Adam…. but yes. Talk to HR re: FMLA. You can also call the Department of Labor. There are all sorts of resources for you for things like this. I had to call on behalf of my mom when her company gave her a hard time about using it for my dad’s cancer. Please, talk to your HR. Best of luck to you…..
December 26th, 2006 at 4:59 pm
MSueS, I think thats very astute. Thanks
December 26th, 2006 at 5:11 pm
You are in a horrible situation. I really wonder how you get by day-to-day. I was unemployed when my husband was killed in an accident–no insurance, nada…had to go find a job. But there’s no way I could have handled that AND taken care of a couple kids!! How are you doing all this?!! I know that when I did find a job, all I did was “show up.” Maybe that is all you can do for now, too. You must be exhausted. I hate how grief gets “limited” by financial concerns. I know what you mean about being able to handle the routine stuff like putting dinner on the table but not anything that involves thinking. Heck, I could barely read for almost a year, let alone write. You are a strong guy, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t allowed to fall apart. (Go smash some Hot Wheels now–we got the Godzilla Crumble Zone here to bash around.)
December 26th, 2006 at 5:44 pm
You can, AT.
And you will. I know that sounds weird coming from a stranger, but I believe a person can do anything that they have to.
I know that doesn’t help, but I know you can do this.
December 26th, 2006 at 8:20 pm
Aww AT,
Still caring. Sorry to hear that the past days have been tough.
I agree w/everybody above; it sounds like you have officially entered Depression. Please call a doc, get a little Prozac or something. It can be temporary and you won’t have to go thru alot of therapy sessions, etc.
You are GRIEVING pal; not just for BJ the person but for the life that you had and now have to restructure, rebuild and figure out where to even start. It’s got to be so overwhelming w/all that has been thrust upon your shoulders. It is definitely a rough road that you have to travel, but by clearing your head of the depression you will at least have the energy to sort some of these issues out.
Please, please be careful with those matches! In the long run you may not keep this job, but for now it seems like an easier option than job-hunting (resumes, interviews, shudder) or self-employment start-up. If you don’t have the energy to slog through the Known, how will you navigate the (always harder) Unknown? Mrs. Eaves also had a very good point; the isolation of being home 24/7 in your position will probably lead to deeper depression. Ask about going part-time, at least. Or check into your medical leave; the depression diagnosis can mandate medical leave if a doctor orders it, although it may not be paid. And the ultimate last case scenario: If your depression turns chronic it is considered a disability and Soc. Security benefits can apply. (I don’t think you will get to that point, though.)
Just keep trying to muddle through each minute/hour/day for now. You will get a system down on the present and a plan together on your future in due time. I know you want to get “settled” into your new life but really, it’s been less than 6 weeks since your world collapsed. It’s going to take a little time.
December 26th, 2006 at 9:10 pm
That is very very nice what you said VA Bluebelle.
December 26th, 2006 at 9:10 pm
“It’s been less than 6 weeks since your world collapsed”
Thats what I keep trying to tell myself, and is the freakiest thing about this!
Sometimes it feels a lot longer, sometimes a lot shorter. I look at archive posts here from before once or twice a week (nightly, lately).
December 27th, 2006 at 11:47 am
Depression is nothing to fool around with. I lost my sister as a teenager (depression > suicide). I stuffed down and buried my grief for a decade after that, and it ended up coming back to get me REAL good in my 20’s. Major depressive episode, and no successful breaks from meds since. I’m now 39 with 4 kids, and I can tell you, that I wish I had of had help in dealing with the greif/depression when it began after her death. I can hear the desperation AT, please go to the doctor. Please go for counselling. Please. I so know what it’s like to not be able to cope with the day. If you can’t work, you can’t work, simple. Just hang in there, and get help sweety.
December 27th, 2006 at 9:10 pm
I’m not sure people who haven’t dealt with a major, major loss know what happens after. It’s like you have two broken legs and people keep telling you to get up & run.
It’s just not that simple. You have to do whatever you need to to keep yourself together, and if that means you have to find another job - one that’s more low-impact - well, that’s what you have to do.
I think whoever suggested finding out if your coworkers can donate leave time was onto something. I mean, your boss is The Man who has to look at the bottom line, and there’s some chance he’s never lost anyone who was really important to him. But your focus doesn’t need to be on him, it needs to be on you, and whatever you have to do to keep it together here.
I’m not sure I’d suggest this to someone who didn’t have their crap together, because it’s not a free pass to be irresponsible forever. But you are so not irresponsible…that comes through pretty clearly. What you are is majorly traumatized.
I’d say go to a therapist too, if you think it’ll help at all. But be sure you go to the right one. Some people, even professionals, just don’t get where you’re coming from. Please feel free to leave and find someone else if that happens. Hang in there…I care too.