December 26th, 2006 by Atomictumor
So, I have a hard time communicating right now, evidently, and leaves room for ambiguity when I write posts about how I feel. For some reason, tho, emails I can send. I think this does a good job of capping the conversation we all had earlier…
Hi,
No, don’t misunderstand me, its not that I’m dangerous or anything, its just that when I voice things that come straight through my head, like today, or when I got the organ donation letters, I’m never thrilled with the response. I don’t know what I’m after!
My sense of humor hasn’t entirely failed me, and my reason isn’t gone either. I know this is a phase. I think it comes between anger and disco, or something.
I was hospitalized for bi-polar suicidality back when I was 16, so I know my limits really well. I’ve never had a flair up of the ol’ manic depression that put me in trouble (its there, you can read my writing (even from back before this started) and see I go through inspirations and funks, but I guess everybody does), and I’m nowhere near being too manic or depressed. Its more demoralized than depressed, its that I’ve had such a huge shock that I don’t know whats up or down.
I think Christmas has a lot to do with it, and its over (G and I chucked the tree out the back door an hour ago, and its sooooo nice to have light in the living room again!). I didn’t sleep much last night, and I’ve been up till midnight for the past 2 weeks. I got up at 6 and dealt with work AND the kids today, so yeah, stress was totally there.
I think its understandable, from an objective point of view, which I’m able to achieve right now.I feel like I’m caught in a vice, tho, with work. Thats uncomfortable. I’m enough of a realist to not up and take off, I’m impulsive when it comes to buying geeky stuff, or inappropriate contact with the wife (sigh), but not to major things. I love change, but my basic laziness overrules it. Basically, I wouldn’t quit without a plan, and while I come up with plans quickly, I sit on them for months before acting (like the move to Chattanooga-go to UTC thing).
I’m afraid if I did leave, I’d miss this place. BJ and I really lucked into this house. She had the idea of painting the bedroom purple, which became so relaxing, with the glossy white doors and sills, and the dark flat purple walls. No furniture, just a TV and a bed.I love being in there (not so much now, because its messy, but I've got 40% of the house cleaned up as we speak), and I'd hate to leave it, because its something she did that I loved. It tortures me, at the same time. I try to get that feel of her that I had the first few days, where I'd talk and I'd 'hear' her, but if she ever was really there, I don't hear her now. That gave me a lot of peace the first week or two, and I miss it. Now I just hear silence when I talk.\n
Same with the 'tumor. I'd post something like this, but I'm afraid somebody (1 out of 20) would say something dumb, and get me all angry or something. I crave the comfort I got from the site in November, but I'm not getting it now. Bos was here earlier, and I was explaining this, and he asked "what are you looking for?", and I have no clue.
I doubt I'll find that.
With regards to the PTS issues, I don't know. Its possible, but I'm not having any anxiety. I would think that anxiety would go with it all. I'm having stress, if thats the same thing, and a lot of pressure to something (not sure what the pressure is wanting out of me). I love those boys. I don't lean on them, tho. I'm 100% certain that I'm treating them as I would if BJ were here. Thats my big fear, that I'll traumatize them further, but its no different from the fear that you'll drop a baby or something, just irrational. \n
Problem is, when you try to convince somebody you're not crazy, what happens?
I think if this doesn't lighten up by Thursday, I'm going to see about some sort of therapy. I don't know how to start looking, I might talk to some of the people I met in the ICU and see if they recommend somebody. Mebbe the neurologist would know. \n
And Velvet Underground is gooood. I bought Loaded (along with a bunch of other good records) for my christmas present, and its red, and transparent. Now, tell me thats not cool…”,1] );
I love being in there (not so much now, because its messy, but I’ve got 40% of the house cleaned up as we speak), and I’d hate to leave it, because its something she did that I loved. It tortures me, at the same time. I try to get that feel of her that I had the first few days, where I’d talk and I’d ‘hear’ her, but if she ever was really there, I don’t hear her now. That gave me a lot of peace the first week or two, and I miss it. Now I just hear silence when I talk.
Same with the ‘tumor. I’d post something like this, but I’m afraid somebody (1 out of 20) would say something dumb, and get me all angry or something. I crave the comfort I got from the site in November, but I’m not getting it now. Bos was here earlier, and I was explaining this, and he asked “what are you looking for?”, and I have no clue.
I doubt I’ll find that.
With regards to the PTS issues, I don’t know. Its possible, but I’m not having any anxiety. I would think that anxiety would go with it all. I’m having stress, if thats the same thing, and a lot of pressure to something (not sure what the pressure is wanting out of me). I love those boys. I don’t lean on them, tho. I’m 100% certain that I’m treating them as I would if BJ were here. Thats my big fear, that I’ll traumatize them further, but its no different from the fear that you’ll drop a baby or something, just irrational.
Problem is, when you try to convince somebody you’re not crazy, what happens?
I think if this doesn’t lighten up by Thursday, I’m going to see about some sort of therapy. I don’t know how to start looking, I might talk to some of the people I met in the ICU and see if they recommend somebody. Mebbe the neurologist would know.
And Velvet Underground is gooood. I bought Loaded (along with a bunch of other good records) for my christmas present, and its red, and transparent. Now, tell me thats not cool…
So, that about sums it up.
I really love the fact that I can write something here asking for help (and yes, it was hard to ask for… I’m the type of person who likes to have the weight of the world without mentioning it… I’d be sick and BJ would never notice).
A lot of this is really boiling down to wants. Yes, I can work. I really, really, don’t WANT to go into the office while the kids are in school. I bought a $60 bluetooth headset to replace the broken one they gave me because I thought the work at home thing was open ended. I have no real use for it otherwise. I can’t see a reason that the boss wants me in the office, and I hate being told to do something for ambiguous reasons, which goes back to my whole punk-rock-screw-authority thing. Yep, he’s the boss, and since he pays me, he makes the rules.
So it boils down to want and not want. I just want things to go MY WAY for a little while, I think, and the world doesn’t work that way.
But, at the same time, the boys and I are going to have a Nerf gun war when we clean the house up, with the 6 billion Nerf guns they got, so that’ll be going my way. Really, all sorts of things are going my way. Life is good. They had a great (GREAT) Christmas, and they’re coping damn well with all of this. I’m lucky for that.
I’m feeling the clock ticking about going to school. As I mentioned in the comments, things were supposed to be different now. This past year was the last uphill year, BJ was going to be done with school now, and our income was going to more than double. That would have been great, and its not going to happen, and I don’t want another uphill year.
I need to go to school, as Alice said, and I agree with that wholeheartedly. I need to go full time, so I’ll be out before I’m 40 (can’t pay for my college and MastaG’s, and it’d be nice to have some income while the kids still live with me). I NEED to not be working full time and going to school full time, because theres no way that would work without sacrificing the kids, and I’m not going to do that, I love the punks too much.
Where does that leave me? Somebody up there was talking about “a plan”, and I’ve started that somewhat, by sending some emails to some contacts at the community college. My plan is to go to school there part time this semester while I figure out finances, and start full time in the fall.
That is, until I change my mind, which happens often.
Anyway, there you go.
—
Sucks about James Brown, huh?
December 26th, 2006 at 5:08 pm
You seem to be very able and objective (in hindsight) about what you need and what you want.
And good on you for giving a timeframe and thinking about the possibility of looking for help to deal with some issues of grief and loss …
You are a good dude. And your boys are beautiful. You and BJ have done very good by them. They will continue to shine with your guidance.
Do what’s best for you and you’ll do what’s best for them.
Dude, I care.
December 26th, 2006 at 5:23 pm
Sounds good!
December 26th, 2006 at 5:28 pm
So you never mentioned the boys the reaction when they opened their bedroom door to find the bunkbeds and computer…
All the work vs school stuff is something that is going to take a awhile to work out. Hang in there!
December 26th, 2006 at 5:31 pm
Muchas Gracias for not putting up “I Feel Good”.
Also after watching this video I totally know what I am going to wear for New Year’s.
Might I suggest the yellow jumpsuit with the fringe for you?
December 26th, 2006 at 5:35 pm
That video is a thing unto itself. You could have a 50 item scavenger hunt in there…
Levez-vous et dansez indeed… although I don’t think JB was using the formal tense, as the french seem to have translated it here.
December 26th, 2006 at 5:37 pm
As for therapy, check if your employer has an Employee Assistance program (it is completely confidential). They can refer you to someone and help with getting your medical insurance to cover it. I know I posted this before but this really is a great resource that people often don’t take advantage of.
December 26th, 2006 at 6:39 pm
Ok, I read this post and the one before in the wrong order, so I am going to post here withOUT reading the comments from the previous post (I am easily influenced by others, lol). I certainly don’t think you are crazy. And I don’t think you are having a manic or depressive episode (daughter and hubby are bi-polar), I believe it would show itself in your writing. I do think stress has to be a huge factor in your life right now. You know what is best for you, if you need to talk to someone (besides us) do it. Regarding school, I worked with a lady whose husband decided at 34 to quit his high paying job and become a lawyer. He took out all sorts of loans so he could go full time. It covered his schooling and living expenses. You can do it too. Go to FAFSA.com and complete your financial aid forms for next year so it will be done. Then call and make an appointment with the financial aid office at the local CC or whatever, whether that is the one you want to go to or not. They can help you with all the free stuff!
Ok, that is all the pontification I have in me right now…I am exhausted from the holidays. Gonna go have a drink and unwind cuz I have work tomorrow!
Vickie
December 26th, 2006 at 6:46 pm
Oh yeah I forgot…he finished college, passed the bar and got offered a huge paying job here in San Diego and they moved his entire family (they lived in rural Ohio), so the point was it can be done…
December 26th, 2006 at 7:59 pm
I know you said you are contacting some people at local community colleges but I also hope you are putting the word out that you are looking for assistance with schooling. There are so many scholarships out there and many of them are in remembrance of their loved one. I wouldn’t be surprised to find one for widowed Dads or single parents.
December 26th, 2006 at 8:28 pm
Maybe I’m crazy, but it seems like your reticence and wanting things to go your way is a direct backlash against everything that recently did not go your way. Sort of like trying to rebel against BJ’s death by forcing things to go how you want them. Does that seem out of line? gosh, I hope that doesn’t come across as anything other than a “Hmph.. I wonder if this makes sense…” sort of thought.
Thanks for sharing AT. I hope you know that people around the world were sending good thoughts and thinking about you these past few days. Peace to you and your boys.
December 26th, 2006 at 8:29 pm
While a mate and parents are not the same thing AT, I have some simliarities on loss and “moving on”.
1991 parentes deceased within 12 days of each other. Only child, wow, what to do now? I lived 135 miles away, in a job, and about to be married, and moving.
I had all the stressors on the scale possible within the last two years. I survived and I’m a little guy. The inner toughness comes out no matter who you are.
At any rate, my situation though different (no kids no death of a mate) has some similarities. Depression hits no matter who the dearly departed is I promise.
Now, how to cope. Can’t tell you how to cope but how I did cope. I took about six weeks off work, and returned with a different attitude. Do the job, get it right but in the back of your head it is unimportant. I wanted to get home every evening. I also took off work as much as possible when timelines deemed it possible. Then, I sat down and thought every evening what my next move would be personally and professionally. It got easier every day because I looked around and saw what was needed.
It gets easier when you sit and realize one thing. When our loved one’s died they wanted us to carry on as quickly as possible, to live a full life, and to make success at whatever it is we do in life. The reason is they loved us as much as we loved them. If they loved us they wanted success.
Raising those boys in a good life style with learning and growth (academically and in life) would be considered anybody, especially BJ, as a success. You have the ability to accomplish this feat.
If resigning from your job and going back to school will facilitate those objectives based on what you know about yourself (we don’t know those things) will accomplish the final goal of success in life, I say go for it.
I support education fully, it is the one thing you can earn that you will never lose, unless you lose your mind. Some how I don’t think that will happen.
Rock on dude.
December 26th, 2006 at 9:29 pm
Depression sucks, Grief sucks more.
It took me 8 months before I talked to someone when I was dealing with both. Don’t be me.
Dude? I care.
December 26th, 2006 at 9:43 pm
Yeah, I know.
Thing is, I don’t know if this is straight up chemical depression, where I outta get pills, or if its a temporary mind-healing kinda thing.
Me and depression seriously go back, and I’ve been proud to be off medicine for 10 years or so. I don’t deny it works, but it takes a lot away too, and if I can make it (happily) without pills, I will.
Therapy, I admit, isn’t a horrible idea, but I have a bad feeling it’ll just make me feel worse. I pretty much think I know how all the conversations would go.
I’m probably wrong, tho. Like I said up there, if I don’t get better by Thursday (as far as not having little fits like this morning), I’ll make an appointment.
December 26th, 2006 at 10:10 pm
I’ve watched an awful lot of people go through grief. I’ve been through it myself. Everyone deals with it differently. You can’t just RTFM and know what comes next. You just might have to call the help desk … they might be able to walk you through to a resolution, click by click. Some parts of it will need a trouble ticket and a third party resolution, and there is no ETA. Still others, it’s just gonna stay broke and they will help you find a work-around. Escalation to a Higher Authority is never a bad idea either you know.
I’ve got my headset on, I’m in avail. See you around the water cooler.
December 26th, 2006 at 10:27 pm
Lissa, you work too hard…
December 26th, 2006 at 11:46 pm
Lissa, that was incredible, and AT is right. You work too hard.
AT, while it is true that I don’t know you from Jake err Jack, sometimes fate allows you to “see” people (kinda like fate picks out shawl colors). You are right, for some people therapy just goes where you know its going to go. I kinda see that might happen for you. But mostly I see that you know what you need, you just don’t know that you already know. Sounds (looks?) silly when you type it out, but I think that is how it is. Freinds and family (maybe even ‘tumorites) can help you “feel” better and maybe some can even guide you, but you are doing incredibly well at seeing through everything. Keep up the good work, dude. Time passages, that’s all life is.
Vickie
December 27th, 2006 at 11:57 am
Most good employers have a benefit which is called EAP (Employee Assistance Program), where you get up to five free visits to a counselor. During this time, they can help point you in the right direction for help in solving your problems.
December 27th, 2006 at 9:23 pm
Hey AT? Some people are just jerks. Well, and some are well-meaning, but have never suffered a really crushing loss. For what it’s worth, I think it’s probably not a chemical thing. I have not ever been diagnosed with any mood disorders and I was so depressed and unmotivated I could barely move for a year after I lost my dad, my job and all my friends (moved to a new town)…the depth of the depression is proportional to the importance of the loss, and this one is going to be major. There’s just no way around it.
I’d be madder than hell if I were you at the ripoff that is the demise of the two-income situation, right when it was going to come into being. It’s just a bitch, my friend. I’d punch Old Man Fate right in the chops for you if I could. On the other hand, how you feel right now and your circumstances will not be this way forever. Really, truly, they won’t.
Thank the many little gods you have a supportive family, and that BJ’s family is close and that you’re not at odds with ‘em. Corny as this sounds, the only advice I have is gratitude (which it sounds like you still have plenty of)…at least you’re not sick with some awful illness yourself. Yadda yadda, this sounds like a sermon, but honestly I have been there so I feel like I can hand out a little bit of what finally helped me dig out of the hole. Music helped a lot. I’m also pretty artistic and I majorly ramped up the painting and writing.
I still think you need to do whatever you have to, as far as keeping it together. If you need to go get some wage-slave job pumping gas for a while, just because that’s all you can handle, go for it. Anyone who wants to judge you for whatever you want to do has never suffered a really crushing loss, and you can hope for their sake they never do. On the other hand, the upside is that you do develop sympathy for other people who go through ‘em and - the most important thing - a realization of just how short and precious life is. I made some major changes after I damn near went off the rails and came back from it, and ultimately I think I’m a better person for it. I can’t bring my dad and my old job back, but I can appreciate the other people in my life and find other things to do with my life that are important. Here’s hoping that process moves reasonably smoothly for you.