Atomictumor

Things have been pretty good to me, which is part of the reason I haven’t been writing much personal stuff lately.  That, and I don’t really know what to say.

The only real casualty right now is that I don’t really have fun like I used to, BJ was a ton of fun to be around.  She made me happy.  The memories of that make me happy now, thus proving that she was so fun that I’m still entertained 2 months after her death.

Well, its not too months yet, is it?

I met a fellow recently who lost his wife as well, about four months ago.  He had been married to her for 2.5 times longer than BJ and I, and was a bit older, and it wasn’t as sudden, but he was still obviously hurting.  I don’t feel that way.

When I mentioned it to the Freud guy, he agreed with my assessment that I’m only processing the smaller things now, because the overwhelming grief of her being gone is too big to fit in my head.  I’d like to agree, but I don’t know that I do.  I’m getting more towards being ‘me’.

I do spend some time wondering what the hell I’m going to do.  I discovered today that I had the foresight to accidentally register at Pellissippi for this spring, so I’m wide open to take some classes.  I still don’t have enough shit together to go full time tho, and as I was going through it trying to figure out what to take I got overwhelmed and irritated, and then just generally depressed toward the whole school thing.  Talk about something big to handle… yeah yeah, most of you readers did it, or are doing it, but I’m afraid that I don’t have the self-discipline to do it, and I think if I screw it up, I’m never going to want to try again.

Bleah.

By depressed, I mean I read something else instead, and pretended that school didn’t exist.

—

Today when I logged out of work (which has been remarkably good to me… its been busy, but being back in the office isn’t bad at all) and picked up MastaG, he and Pigpen played outside, until G’s friends came, and he asked to go to their house and jump on a trampoline.

Pigpen’s too little.  Its not fair to hold G back, so I tried to distract him with the promise of a movie, but G was too slow, and Pigpen caught him on the way out and wanted to come.  I told him no, and Pigpen sat on the back porch and cried.

Poor boy.  I cuddled him, and tried to figure out something to do with him.  He didn’t want to play (I didn’t particularly want to either), he didn’t want to watch a movie, he wanted to go jump on the trampoline.  Finally, it was concluded that we’d go to Old McDonalds, which perked him right up.

Yay, Mcdonalds.  Ugg…

So, we went, and the boys played on the playground for a good long time, and then we went in to get food.  There was a couple in line in front of me, and the 5 people in the back were all busy doing something other than taking orders.  Or filling orders.  I mean, they were obviously busy, and doing fast food type of work, but still nothing was getting done.

After a few long minutes of waiting, somebody deigned to take the couples order.

The couple, who had been sitting in front of the BIG ASSED menu for 5 minutes, proceeded to ask each other what they wanted to eat.

My jaw dropped.  I’m normally pretty contained, but it dropped in sheer slackjawed amazement.

They debated the pros and cons of the order to the obviously uninterested (and who can blame him, hell, he’s working at McDonalds) employee, and finally, after great fanfare, selected their entrees.  The guy takes off to start pouring drinks, and they decide they want something else.

When he arrives, the circle begins again, this time with me not being able to stifle a “Jesus tapdancing Christ” of sheer eye-twitching amazement.

So, I did what I do in those situations, I started counting very… slowly…

When I got to 100, I split, got the kids Chik-Fil-A and me some chinese, to a small but non-heartfelt protest from Pigpen.  Then we watched Spongebob, and I fell asleep cuddling him with a nice full belly of Chinese.

—

They’re in the bed now, and I’ll let you in on a secret:

This has become a special time of day for me.

—

I put the kids to bed, wait for them to be settled while I watch TV, or some episodes of Adult Swim cartoons, or something.  Then I get one of those cigars, take it outside, lay on the hood of the car, smoke it, and look for something.

Last night, the cigar burned itself out while I meditated, and watched the cloud cover, and the stars, and the airplanes.

I listened to the sounds of the town around me.

I felt for BJ, or God, or whoever would be with me.  I talked to them, and I tried like hell to listen.  I prayed for peace, for me, and the boys, and my family, and friends, and you.

I felt that peace.  It was a similar peace that I found with The Beauty, only without the giddyness.  It was a resigned peace, one that knows of pain past and future, but also one that feels overwhelming love.  Love for BJ, or god, or the boys, or myself, of family, friends, you.

I do that every night, have been for a week or so, and I think thats why I’m feeling good now.  Its what I wake up looking forward to doing.  Its what lets me sleep like a baby at night.

See you out there.

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 4th, 2007 at 8:33 pm and is filed under friends, Food, Kids, Family, Love, Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.