January 11th, 2007 by Atomictumor
Man, stress is getting all up on me lately. All up on me.
Lemme lay it down:
- Got the car, loving it, but dealing with a slight case of post big purchase jitters (was it worth it/did i really need to buy it/could i afford to get rid of the van/etc). Additionally, the purchase of the car was holding other demons at bay, to an extent, in that it was giving me something to look forward to, something to plan, think about, blah, for the past several weeks. It was a big project, and it is now over.
- Nothings really taking its place. Yesterday, MastaG and I played the Ebay game on a couple of transformers alternators. He forked over the money for one, and I’m giving the other to Pigpen. One we got 10 bucks under store price, the other, a rare one that he was REALLY wanting, we got for twice store price (including shipping). The fact that you can’t find it in stores is a consideration, and he did pay for it himself, but I still feel like a rube for spending the money.
- I’m afraid that I feel a couple of Jones coming on - one is that my noggin really wants to start smoking, just for the stress relief it gets. Those cigars work, but I haven’t been having that peaceful feeling at night lately. I admit, I had a couple of coffin nails at work over the past week, and they’re tempting. I refuse to start smoking, because I’d lose MastaG’s respect in a big way, and because I don’t want a back monkey.
I’m also afraid that I’m going pick up a shopping jones. I bought that monitor last week, and hooked it up yesterday, and yes, its beautiful, but its making me realize how much I need a new video card. If I need a new video card, I’ll need a new processor to keep it company. I’ll need a new motherboard to fit the kind of processor that has a good deal right now (looking at the Athelon X2 3400 for those keeping score). I’ll need more memory, because I just have a half gig now, and thats downright insulting. There goes $500.
I can afford it, sure, but I don’t think I should afford it. - The car loan is giving me trouble, which is the immediate cause of my stress today. I got approved for $12000, but because I forgot the difference between paying off and trading in the van, had to borrow $13.6. I told the finance guy this, but he said it wouldn’t be a problem, if the bank that approved me can’t do it, he has backup lenders that match the rate.
Looks like the bank doesn’t like it, according to my gal. So who has the loan? Whats the score here? Meanwhile, BJ’s weregild is coming in soon (it was approved last week), so its kind of a moot point, because no matter who has it I can pay off the big chunk, and refinance the rest through the bank, but still. Ug. It sucks, and I’m stressing. - I told a friend last night that I feel too narcissitic talking about myself here. I’ve been clamming up again, like I did back in December (I think its a male PMS thing, frankly), and I’m not comfortable with that. Depression? Maybe. Last night looking at the sky didn’t do me much good, I kept looking at the ground.
Whats a boy to do? There isn’t an answer that you folks could give me that’d help, but I figured I’d vent anyway.
Lets go back to talking about Eaves’ cervix again, instead…
January 11th, 2007 at 12:34 pm
I think you can lose the narcissism concern. This is therapy for you, and you have an audience besides yourself, so I’d say this diagnosis is incorrect.
What a boy should do is sign up for a college class. You have too much time on your hands and you need a goal to strive for. So a class would distract you and would represent an investment toward a degree in the future.
January 11th, 2007 at 12:45 pm
Thats true. I had an appointment for yesterday with the advising center, that I remembered 2 hours after it was over.
Friggin Google Calendar not reminding me…
January 11th, 2007 at 12:51 pm
Use your Hawk Feather. I saw two circling each other yesterday.
January 11th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
Go back to school AT. Correspondence, Internet, night-class or anything. Still have free time after that? Take up an activity with MastaG. Ham radio, fishing, soccer, scouts, whatever. Quit worrying about the car and enjoy it.
January 11th, 2007 at 1:26 pm
My husband does that too. When his mind is troubled our credit card suffers.
http://slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=07/01/09/2313259
I don’t know if I did that right but it should be a link to a lot of open courseware so you can see what the lecturers at all sorts of colleges are doing.
You have a great mind and it needs to be worked. Kind of like sheepdogs need something to herd otherwise they are miserable.
Not that I’m calling you a dog or anything!
January 11th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
What happened with your therapy? Are you continuing with that? The more talking (or writing) it all out, the better. Sounds like you are doing fine. Don’t beat yourself up. Cut yourself whole bunches of slack for the time being. Enjoy the kids; enjoy the car.
January 11th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
Well, thats my thing with school, is that I never feel like I have any free time. It seems like I’ve constantly got some sort of obligation, except for after the kids go to bed, and then before I know it its time for me to start going to sleep.
I’m not doing the therapy thing yet, for that reason, really. I went that first time, and had a neutral reaction. I can head back when I need to, but I don’t need to now, and I know myself well enough to judge that fairly accurately.
January 11th, 2007 at 3:48 pm
Maybe a different therapist might work better. That retail therapy gets the best of me too.
January 11th, 2007 at 3:56 pm
lendingtree.com will probably help with the auto loan - these people will try to get your business.
January 11th, 2007 at 4:47 pm
I’ve never been through anything remotely like what you’re going through. I went through something fairly shaking, but not your situation. I felt numb, unfocused, tried to focus on the kids and thank god for them. Nothing like a child shouting for replacement TP to keep your mind somewhat grounded. I think, in my totally uneducated opinion that you’re doing well. You are suffering. You are reaching out. You are clamming up. You are moving ahead. You are coping. You are looking after the kids. You were open to therapy. You vent, you share, you remember, and you are loving still. You will get through this the very best you can. You will look back and say, ok that all didn’t seem so strange in the grand scheme of it all. If you’re feeling the weight of the responsibility of the buck stopping with you in regards to parenting/house hold stuff/work,,,maybe thats enough for you to focus on and feel successful for getting thru. Doing stuff with the boys gets my vote. The car? Well you have two precious boys to tote around. Allow yourself this. For you, for them. Just let something be good, and don’t kill it with worry. It’s the Time Out Buggy. It’s not so scary.
January 11th, 2007 at 4:59 pm
First, Core 2 Duo. It’s worth the price. I am going to a new doctor tomorrow to see if I can get into see a psychiatrist. I am all wigged out and can’t function everyday. I just about broke someone nose today.
January 11th, 2007 at 5:03 pm
Damn, Louise. I hope things work out, sugar.
January 11th, 2007 at 5:09 pm
Thanks, AT. They will. I think the stress of the last year has finally caught up with me. Sometimes loss and grief wait until you can deal with it. Other times, it says deal with me now. I think I just entered now stage.
January 11th, 2007 at 6:13 pm
Do your damndest to not smoke. If it helps, try to get into the mindset that you will not be manipulated by tobacco companies who are only interested in getting you addicted to their product. It is a terrible addiction, smells bad, and will upset your kids.
Enjoy your new car!
January 11th, 2007 at 6:36 pm
“The Time Out Buggy” fits for several reasons. It’ll be okay, and there will be another distraction shortly.
January 11th, 2007 at 10:03 pm
I’m going to weigh in with my unsolicited opinion. I think it’s obvious that a higher education is in your future because you’re so intelligent and it would be a waste to yourself and to society. But, I don’t know that I’d rush into it immediately. It will be there when you’re ready, and maybe you don’t need to juggle so many things at the moment. Maybe a cool hobby would be better at the time. I don’t think anyone, whether they’ve encountered a tragedy this huge or not, can judge what would be best except for you, though. I guess that blanket statement applies to all of the above: doctor, car, school, parenting… Well, all of the above except for the smoking thing. I’d totally kick your ass.
Love you!
January 11th, 2007 at 11:14 pm
Enjoy the car and forget the smokes. That’s just trouble and expense that you don’t need. Depend on the Lord, and He will continue to give you strength. Please know that we are all still praying for you and the boys. We love you and the little guys. Have a good weekend.
January 11th, 2007 at 11:31 pm
I’ve been in a similar mode, AT. Bought a laptop right after Anna died. New smartphone (partly due to having lost my PDA), new GPS (several family road trips), then new recording gear, microphone, Sansa Rhapsody MP3 player for Christmas. I probably ought to chill.
And I’ve felt a bit wiggy about blogging lately, hence posting silly songs and video of my kids and such. Finding it hard to get into that grief place to let some more out. And it’s definitely building up. It’s like a battle between hope for the new year and the ultra-buzzkill of being a new widower.
I did have a car jones about 2 months ago - for the new VW EOS - convertible hardtop. Let that one subside a bit. I suspect that may flare up again when spring comes.
January 12th, 2007 at 4:52 am
Maybe some kernel of all human creation is narcissism, but I have trouble finding the negative in bloggissism. Seems to me it’s one easy way to check in/check out your corner of creation and it is, as you say, cheaper than therapy.
Hope you can get the car settled easily so you can get down to enjoying it.
January 12th, 2007 at 7:28 am
Hey, I’m all for a new car anytime. Congratulations!
i like what Jen said - school is always going to be there. Do it when it feels right.
Enjoy those boys.
January 12th, 2007 at 8:44 am
Jason, its good to hear from you. Yeah, looks like you and I are in a similar place.
Dude, talk about Jones, they had some limited edition retractable hardtop Miatas at the Mazda place. I never did care for the Miata, but damn, these were some lovely cars.
January 15th, 2007 at 12:32 am
Voice of experience, here…I smoked a pack or so a day in college, was a social smoker for years, but really ramped up again when my dad died. Also ran up A LOT of credit card bills.
You know, part of me feels like it was just something that was bound to happen: I felt SO bad that I can’t really say I regret doing whatever I had to do to get through that awful 18 months or so of my life.
On the other hand, quitting smoking completely - which I eventually did - and paying off the debt was a real bitch once I started to get my balance back. I wish I’d been able to cope without doing all that stuff but again, in retrospect…if the alternative had been jumping off a bridge, maybe a mild case of black lung and some bills might have been a reasonable alternative.
Just some thoughts. Keep on keepin’ on. Jean