April 26th, 2007 by Atomictumor
So, I never made that concert.
I had made all the necessary preparations. Daco and his wife were coming over to put the kids in bed, and I’d take off for N. Knoxville around 7:30 or so. I was anticipating the freaky surrealness of seeing a one man show of The Robot Ate Me at some weird little residential house that nobody’s ever heard of, and I felt like it was something that I was compelled to do, simply because of the circumstances of finding it, and a couple of points where the music of the band fit into BJ’s life and death in interesting ways for me that’d take too long to explain now.
So, it was almost a kinda pilgrimage for me. I wasn’t really into the drive down there, and I wasn’t feeling great, kinda worn out like I’ve been a lot lately, but I was determined to do it.
So, we ended up (the boys and I) going to pal’s house to hang out for a few hours before Daco showed, and we all had a great time. Pigpen was acting sleepy and under the weather, and MastaG’s stomach was hurting. Another friend or two showed up, and we were sipping beers on the porch. It was a damn nice time, and it occurred to me that it’d be silly to leave what is a good time for something that only may be a good time. I wasn’t crazy about ditching the boys, so we stayed. I called Daco, and met his wife at our house to let em know that we wouldn’t be needing their services.
So, we had some steaks over there, and I missed the show. I wrote an email to Ryland of the band in appease the compulsion to see the show, which in hindsight seems silly, but hell, why not.
So, we’re sitting out on the back porch, chatting, finishing our steak and beer, and I rolled up a cigarette. Yes, I’ve been doing a little bit of this, on the sly (I need a vice). MastaG has some determined opinions vis a vis cigarette smoking, and he ended up sneaking up on us as we were talking and I was smoking. I tried to play it off, but it didn’t really work, and on the drive home he grilled me. I gave up the game, and told him “Yes, G, I have been smoking.”
He broke down and cried. He yelled at me, saying “Don’t you know that’s bad for you???? Why are you doing something bad for you???”
How can I explain? It reminds me of times gone past, when BJ was here and I was happier? It eases my stress which is damn near constant these days? It provides pretty much my only vice (since I’m not, ahem, having nighttime liaisons anymore)?
I thought of those reasons, the justifications for smoking that I give myself, and realized that none of them would pass muster with the 10 year old. I was irritated.
I was pissed, actually. I was pissed that I was busted, I was pissed that he was making such a big deal out of it, I was pissed that he’s been hounding me for months trying to find out if I was smoking or not. I wanted to yell at him, turn it all back on the boy, give him the 3rd degree. “Boy”, I’d say “do you have any idea what I go through? If you had a lick of sense, you’d just let this go and let me go on doing what I want to do”
Instead, I gave him the pack of tobacco and rolling papers. I promised to never smoke a cigarette again. He banged the pack with his fist a few times, and threw it in the garbage.
Vices are overrated, anyway.
—
Last night, just after tucking in a very, very sleepy Pigpen and a now appeased (but still somewhat distrustful) MastaG, Pigpen woke up and puked all over the place. He had a fever. I cleaned him up, while he sobbed, and tucked him into a cozy bed on the living room couch. All of us ended up staying home today, because G said he wasn’t feeling good either, and I’m just waiting for him to pop up with a fever. Pigpen hasn’t puked since last night, and his fever went away (without medicine) an hour ago or so, but he’s still worn out.
The first few drops of rain are hitting the quiet roof in my bedroom. Its dark outside, and it occurs to me how lucky I am, and how much I love.
April 26th, 2007 at 11:46 am
MastaG is probably just scared of losing his Daddy too. They start teaching the evils of cigarettes a lot earlier in school these days and he’s probably scared he’ll lose you to lung cancer. I know I bitch at my Dad all the time because my Grandfather died when I was 17 of lung cancer and yet dad still smokes, makes me crazy. So I’m glad you were able to show him a little patience last night. I would imagine the thought of losing you was the real reason for the tears.
April 26th, 2007 at 11:53 am
AT,
I’m glad he caught you. My mother smoked for my entire life… up until 2 years ago when she quit, because the doctor told her to. My brother and I both hated it, blowing the cigarette smoke from our faces as we sat around the dinner table, begging her to quit, hiding her cigarettes, etc. I was addicted in Jr. High to cigarettes without ever picking one up–I suffered the headaches of withdrawal when I was in a car without her or her smoke.
My brother’s response to my mother quitting: “Sure, now that it’s for your benefit.” I’d have to admit, I was equally unimpressed. I gather that you don’t smoke nearly as much as my mother did, from what you said, but still, I’m glad that MastaG got to you and hopefully you can continue to respect his wishes.
April 26th, 2007 at 12:27 pm
Being busted by your own kid is no fun (been there, got the same reaction out of Beta six years ago…) but you’re not so back into the habit that it’ll hurt too much.
Like Exiled, I think G’s just afraid of losing you. Enjoy the rain (see, you wouldn’t have gone outside in it to smoke anyway), and I hope everyone’s feeling better soon.
I miss my vice too (two months, sixteen days now), but I don’t miss standing outside in the rain.
April 26th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
I’m glad you got busted. G was right, cigarettes are bad for you. I only wish I could shame the pink painter into quitting. It’s funny how a child can shame us into making better choices, but we just get pissed at our spouse. Odds are I will have to watch my wife die a slow agonizing death. I don’t look forward to that at all.
I was addicted to tobacco from the time I was 18 until about 18 months ago. For those of you that don’t know me that is nearly 30 years. I only hope that I quit soon enough to avoid being killed by my addiction and my stupidity.
AT, don’t sneak and smoke dude. Honor your promise to your son…please.
April 26th, 2007 at 12:31 pm
Lucky indeed. I can understand that.
Glad you skipped the smokes. I used to like to smoke once in a while. It was a major point of contention with Anna. Once she got lung cancer (and, ironically, had never smoked a cigarette), I knew I’d never smoke again.
April 26th, 2007 at 12:54 pm
I hate you got caught like that but,I do like the outcome of it. I hope you can stay away from the smokes. Im getting ready to try again and hopefully it will happen.
Happy for you man!
HUG HUG
April 26th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
That MastaG is one smart dude.
April 26th, 2007 at 2:14 pm
My 14 year old had a fever and a case of the middle-of-the-night-pukes two days ago. It lasted about 36 hours, and so far nobody else in the house has come down with it. I hope you guys also avoid passing it around.
I hope you are able to keep your promise. I’m sure it will be a hard promise to keep, but the thought of G in tears in fear of losing you breaks my heart.
April 26th, 2007 at 2:49 pm
There is a new Rx available from Pfizer called Chantix… A friend of mine was a very heavy (3 pack/day) smoker and he thought he would never be able to quit. After taking the Chantix he said that cigarettes tasted bad, smelled bad, and he just plain didn’t want them anymore. He quit six weeks ago, and said it has been much easier than he thought.
April 26th, 2007 at 2:56 pm
Actually, guys, its hard to believe, but I was smoking because I wanted to. I had been rolling about 5 or so smokes a day for only about 4 months, so its not like I was a big habit. I haven’t had one today, and haven’t really thought about it.
I enjoyed going outside and having a smoke after the kids went to bed. I always have to be ‘doing’ something, I can’t just go out on the porch and look at the sky without something to do with my hands.
This isn’t like I’m ‘quitting’ smoking, I did that about 5 years ago. I’m just not smoking anymore cuz I told him I wouldn’t.
And I’m a little offended that you guys think that I’d break a promise to my kid. Geez.
April 26th, 2007 at 3:10 pm
While reading your post I had a flashback to when I was a teenager getting caught by my parents for doing all kinds of bad things. It always felt just as you described. I would get pissed because I got busted and they were yelling about it and making it a federal case. And I also felt that they didn’t understand what I was going through. Of course they were right to be angry and I understand that now. It’s just funny to see that when the tables are turned and it’s the parent who gets busted, the emotions are the same.
April 26th, 2007 at 4:47 pm
Hee, yeah, I’ve been drinking in the irony for the past several months that I’m hiding my habit from my 10 year old.
April 26th, 2007 at 5:15 pm
i believe you will stop if you said you will stop. and you can honestly answer G when he asks. and that will feel better than hiding it.
and i just realized the bottom of this page resembles my couch … but without the juice stains and smeared blue magic marker.
April 26th, 2007 at 6:53 pm
A couch without juice stains and smeared magic marker (or in my case, chartreuse fabric paint) is a sad, lonely couch that hasn’t been lived on. There’s always time for perfection later.
April 26th, 2007 at 7:52 pm
After I smoked those couple of cigarettes with you at Daco’s party, I tasted the tobacco for two days. I’d be at work and all of a sudden “taste” the tobacco.
Nicotine is an insidious chemical; Damn the stuff.
April 26th, 2007 at 8:55 pm
Totally went thru a similar thing. Got busted sneaking a smoke by my daughters. I was going thru a pretty tough divorce and an old habit reared its ugly head. I was just so…. empty feeling. I think I was searching for a way to fill that void and all of a sudden, I was smoking again.
That was 5 years ago. They still remind me of my mistake. Love that.
April 26th, 2007 at 11:22 pm
There is nothing more enjoyable than smoking a cig. I really miss it but I know I can’t start smoking even a few because in a matter of time it would be 10 then 20 then back to 2 packs a day. I’m waiting for the day when they make them without all the crap in it. Not that I think inhaling smoke will ever be okay for you. I just enjoy the physical act.
April 27th, 2007 at 8:16 am
You’re a good dad, AT.
April 27th, 2007 at 9:03 am
I think you must address the root of your oral fixation before you proceed any further. Otherwise, you might spend your evenings frantically knitting, whittling, or whatever men do with their hands. Take a deep breath. Relax. Good air in . Bad Air out.
April 28th, 2007 at 7:39 am
G’s pretty amazing, for a punk. It was just something to do, wasn’t it? Like a night-cap. I need those to. At the time it’s coffee and some sort of sweet. Yeah, no big deal. But it’s MY thing. I do it when I put her down, every night. I need that something-that’s-just-mine time.
April 29th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
I’m the same way. I used to look forward to tucking the kids into bed so I could sit on the back porch with a glass of wine. I’ve had to give those up since those nighttime liasons caught up with me…
April 29th, 2007 at 8:54 pm
Who is Dr. Renee Richards?! I like her!