Atomictumor

Well, tonight Bos and Eaves are out for a well deserved night away from 3/4ths of their kids. They have used a combination of high powered hypnosis and horrible blackmail material to talk me into watching Lugnut, Spotz, and October (the three oldest).

In the interest in public safety (and alibi creation), I’ll be liveblogging the thing as the night goes on.

—

4:26 PM:

Bos and Eaves left roughly 30 minutes ago. They are scheduled to return at 6 AM, but I’d kinda be surprised if I ever saw them again.

Approximately 20 minutes after leaving, I walked into my bedroom to find Lugnut sitting in the midst of an overturned jar of antacids. I confirmed zero antacid residue on the boy, and then proceeded to make him clean it up. The boy stonewalled, beginning a fit. I used a calm version of the “authority voice”, which produces results in my children, but got a fuss out of Lug. He got put in “the chair”, while I cleaned up the antacids. He stayed in the chair for the requisite 2 minutes, and promised to be more helpful. The bedroom is now locked.

Spotz, Pigpen, and Lugnut, just after the antacid incident. Note the relative cleanliness of the playroom. I don’t expect this to last.

MastaG, October, and unnamed neighborhood kid. At least they’re being quiet.

Oh crap, they’ve spotted me…

—

4:34 PM: They are on me for food and drink. I didn’t realize this would be part of the bargain… hmm. My first thought is to make them fight for food and drink, but I don’t see that ending well. Am ordering pizza. Realtorchick came by, a quick thought of all heading over to their (larger) house, where professional babysitter Gamma (or Delta, hell, I never learned greek letters) will be waiting fell through due to the fact that Bos and Eaves left no carseats. They’re smart. They want me to squirm…

—

4:45 PM:

The Cemestos kids are militarizing.

Or at least the older ones are. Lug is still content with Syrup. Pigpen and MastaG are engrossed in a movie. That didn’t take long. Neighborhood kid is still here, I think I might kick him out just to be mean.

—

5:27 PM:

Didn’t have to kick neighborhood kid out, his sister came to collect them.

Food. The great pacifier. I may or may not have laced their pizza with a king sized helping of something to put them to sleep.

Damn. I wish I’d thought of that…

—

5:43 PM:

2 hrs, 17 minutes until bedtime.

We’re all sitting around watching Star Wars. October praised Lugnut on not only eating more food than usual, but also for using his polite words to ask for it.

See? The authority voice works!

While eating, MastaG imparted some yo’ mama jokes, that I’ll share:

Yo mama so fat, she jumped in the ocean, and a blue whale jumped out and started singing:
We are family/
Even tho you’re fatter than me!

also,

You mama so fat, she jumped over to Walmart, missed it, and hit the Target!

Yes, yo’mama jokes. Timeless.

Now they all wanna go outside.

—

6:50 PM:

1 hr, 10 minutes to bedtime

We’re still outside. The neighborhood kids are around, and everybody that can is riding bikes in the cul-de-sac. I tried to keep up as things were going on by moblogging on my little phone, but Wordpress 2.1.x evidently isn’t mobile friendly, on top of being dumb. Seriously, don’t upgrade past Wordpress 2.0. Just ain’t worth it, son.

Heres Pigpen living up to his name:

And, Darth Vader.

There were some issues when Lugnut seized the Darth Vader helmet.

October paid no mind.

The boys are now all arrayed around the chess field, with MastaG talking smack. This is the only time I’ve ever seen a chess game sound like a craps game.

Its now time to start the bedtime train rolling. Woot woot.

Lets see how that goes…

—

7:36 PM:

24 minutes to go…

Lugnut: Bathed

Pigpen: Bathing

Spotz:

Actually, I’m not too sure where Spotz is. He doesn’t need a bath, and has been hella helpful in setting up his and Lug’s room, so I’m letting him escape my bedtime wrath.

October:

Sequestered in the boys room, hers for the night. She left instructions through the door that if I need her, just knock. Gee, thanks. So I snuck a picture. That’ll show ‘er…

MastaG:

He knows the drill. Actually, I yelled at him for bullying (or rather, being a bit of a jerk to) one of the neighborhood kids, so he’s avoiding my bedtime wrath too.

Which, tonight, isn’t too wrathful.

Time to get Pigpen out. Next update SHOULD be with all the kids in their separate rooms and quiet.

—

8:07 PM:

All children are in bed. Who is the man?

I can’t hear you?

Damn right, Godfather AT is the man. Spotz and Lugnut are in the playroom, both with books. October is in the boy’s room, with a book, and my kids are in the living room with books. Yes, books all around. And what do I do?

Well, I turn on the TV. But with the volume low, so I can hear the little punks when they start to fidget…

—

8:53 PM:

Watching the 8th episode of Heroes in my bedroom on the ATivo, which is damn near one of my favorite shows. The new Lost’ll come on tonight, but I’ll do like I always do and wait till tomorrow to see it in HD. Cuz I’m like that.

I got up to refill on the water and do a quick ear check, and one of the creatures in the playroom is scuffling around. I think its the one thats in the cage, but it sounds like he’s trying to dig his way out.

—

6:05 AM:

Bos just picked the kids up. Not a one of em gave me trouble last night.   Those Cemestos kids rock.

I’m sleepy, but logged into work now.  Bleah.

Hello.

I regret my recent absence from the email internet world, but I was deep in the jungles of the congo hunting those most elusive of prey, the speckled jackass.  While on my sabbatical, I found that I was betrayed by carpet baggers, and was dumped in the think of the jungle with only my machete and my trusty boy, Juan.

We wandered through the dark forbidden African jungles for several days, before we were beset by a tribe of midgets who wanted to steal my soul through some soft of primitive ritual involving an iron cauldron and a wooden butt plug.  Unfortunately, I had to sacrifice my lad Juan to the midgets, but don’t blame them, or fault their heathen ways.  Perhaps they have insights we can’t imagine.

I wandered through the desert for many days and many nights, maddened by thirst, and dreaming of vengeance against the carpet baggers.  I fought off the dreaded sand piranha, who gave no quarter in their constant attempt to take my flesh.  Luckily, I was able to fashion a shield out of the wooden butt plug, and crossed the desert in, if not comfort, then cold knowledge that I would be able to move on without fear of dismemberment by the beasts.

As I approached the arctic circle, I found that the loose clothings of the jungle were no match for the bitter cold generated by the ends of the world.  In desperation, I shaved a nearby hippy and took his rich coat of hair for my own, creating a thick downy coat that would prove itself against the elements.  Enboldened, I struggled on.

Before long, I sighted the island of Cuba, and knew that my journey was nearing an end.  Unfortunately, the cartels of that industrious island nation knew of the Ruby of Omlukitus hidden on my person, and greed drove them to hound me to restlessness.  Finally, I was caught, far from any assistance, and imprisioned in one of the many natural diamond mines of Cuba.

I was in mortal terror, and was only solaced by the beautiful island girls who snuck in water past the wary guards in the clefts of their bosoms.  Thus sustained, I plotted my escape.

My chance came as the boat docked in the port of Singapore.  I hesitate to confess, I had lost so much weight during my captivity that I was able to slip between the boards of the ship and dive into the golden Adriatic sea.  Armed with only my wits, I fought the lion sharks until I could harness a narwhale to return me, safely, to my home.

(OK, so some of you may have seen this before, I’m lazy…)