Atomictumor

Hello.

I regret my recent absence from the email internet world, but I was deep in the jungles of the congo hunting those most elusive of prey, the speckled jackass.  While on my sabbatical, I found that I was betrayed by carpet baggers, and was dumped in the think of the jungle with only my machete and my trusty boy, Juan.

We wandered through the dark forbidden African jungles for several days, before we were beset by a tribe of midgets who wanted to steal my soul through some soft of primitive ritual involving an iron cauldron and a wooden butt plug.  Unfortunately, I had to sacrifice my lad Juan to the midgets, but don’t blame them, or fault their heathen ways.  Perhaps they have insights we can’t imagine.

I wandered through the desert for many days and many nights, maddened by thirst, and dreaming of vengeance against the carpet baggers.  I fought off the dreaded sand piranha, who gave no quarter in their constant attempt to take my flesh.  Luckily, I was able to fashion a shield out of the wooden butt plug, and crossed the desert in, if not comfort, then cold knowledge that I would be able to move on without fear of dismemberment by the beasts.

As I approached the arctic circle, I found that the loose clothings of the jungle were no match for the bitter cold generated by the ends of the world.  In desperation, I shaved a nearby hippy and took his rich coat of hair for my own, creating a thick downy coat that would prove itself against the elements.  Enboldened, I struggled on.

Before long, I sighted the island of Cuba, and knew that my journey was nearing an end.  Unfortunately, the cartels of that industrious island nation knew of the Ruby of Omlukitus hidden on my person, and greed drove them to hound me to restlessness.  Finally, I was caught, far from any assistance, and imprisioned in one of the many natural diamond mines of Cuba.

I was in mortal terror, and was only solaced by the beautiful island girls who snuck in water past the wary guards in the clefts of their bosoms.  Thus sustained, I plotted my escape.

My chance came as the boat docked in the port of Singapore.  I hesitate to confess, I had lost so much weight during my captivity that I was able to slip between the boards of the ship and dive into the golden Adriatic sea.  Armed with only my wits, I fought the lion sharks until I could harness a narwhale to return me, safely, to my home.

(OK, so some of you may have seen this before, I’m lazy…)

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007 at 9:42 am and is filed under Rambling. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.