July 15th, 2007 by Atomictumor
Wanna know the truth?
I’m barely hanging in there
Sometimes, on somedays
I don’t discuss it
I try not to dwell on it
Hide it all away
Remember that song?
Coral, “I still need you but,
“I don’t want you now”
Don’t know if thats right
Or the other way around
I’ve been wondering
Theres no sharp pain now
No bone-crushing sense of loss
Just misplaced presence.
I don’t feel her now
But I don’t really try to.
Afraid she’s not there.
Looking back is strange
Called her “raison d’etre”
Gave my life to her
But she went away.
Dead, like a leaf on a tree
No beauty in that
No, no poetry
Biological warfare
Stupid microbe crap
But I keep quiet.
I don’t speak about it, why?
Cuz I’ve heard it all.
I can’t explain it
Can’t take peoples reactions
Makes me furious
Stupid impulses
Don’t even know why they’re there
Resentment, anger
Mostly on the web
November, kept me going
Now, drives me crazy
For years I’ve written
AT’s a face I wear well
But nothing to say
I’m hanging it up
Gonna put AT away
With other keepsakes
Gonna be myself
Without that raison d’etre
See how that works out
This ain’t permanent
I’ll leave the shoutbox open
And might be around.
And trust me, I’m fine
You guys know me well enough
Tell you if I weren’t…
July 15th, 2007 at 4:03 pm
I love you, Jake.
July 15th, 2007 at 4:50 pm
Just be happy, Jake
You don’t owe us anything
You will find your way
July 15th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
Haven’t written much
on the ‘tumor. 60 posts
to your twelve-hundred.
I read ev’ry day,
comment sporadically.
Words don’t come easy.
In my quiet way
I am grateful, nostalgic
for all you have said.
July 15th, 2007 at 6:24 pm
Do what you have to
Know that you are not alone
We/she there allways
July 15th, 2007 at 7:00 pm
I’ve never known pain
The pain that you know too well
Hope I never do
I have to believe
That comfort will come someday
If not, what’s the point
Don’t know what to say
I have no words to relieve
Just know you are loved
July 15th, 2007 at 7:02 pm
Can’t wax poetic
You know where you can find me
If ya need/want to
July 15th, 2007 at 7:24 pm
You’ve got a huge support system. We’re all here if you need us. That’s not going to change - blog or no blog.
July 15th, 2007 at 7:29 pm
:(
July 15th, 2007 at 7:45 pm
I understand losing the muse. Take your time. Be patient with yourself. It’ll come back, or not. Either way is just fine. Keep the ‘tumor up, just in case!
July 15th, 2007 at 9:31 pm
summer wind today
made me think autumn is near.
Unloading the van.
Dog days of summer
seems odd to think of season’s end
mid-july evening.
I know you’ll take care.
Will wait for your return and
drink my last Stella.
July 15th, 2007 at 10:18 pm
Understand.
Until next time,
Take care.
Love and peace.
July 15th, 2007 at 10:30 pm
Anger is ok
A long step in the process
Still, it must come out.
Was told once that they
See us at our most
happy- clouds burst open.
I like to believe this.
July 16th, 2007 at 7:29 am
I wish you love, laughter and peace.
July 16th, 2007 at 8:56 am
Peace be with you
July 16th, 2007 at 9:02 am
I too, wish you only peace. Will be sad not to hear from you everyday, but you should do what is best for you. Big hugs.
July 16th, 2007 at 10:48 am
I’ve tried 150 different comments, none seem right. No advice, just sincere hope that your life gets better, and thanks for the inspiration.
July 16th, 2007 at 1:29 pm
another turn in road
of working through your sadness
you’ll take the right path
to get you through it
just love the two sweet guys lots
and then try to breathe
July 16th, 2007 at 2:23 pm
Goodbye. I will remember you.
July 16th, 2007 at 8:31 pm
I can’t do haiku.
No skills.
But I will say, I dig you and I hope you find your journey.
I can’t wait to buy you a frothy beverage and sit and talk about what ever you want to.
I would like this.
Hope you feel the same way.
A candle is always burning.
July 16th, 2007 at 10:59 pm
Was nice meeing (reading?) you and your family. I wish you the best. If you find any cool new bands, let us know. I always enjoyed hearing the new music.
July 17th, 2007 at 7:47 am
Peace is near
Though it seems elusive
It will come
July 17th, 2007 at 9:12 am
Wishing you and the boys my best.
July 17th, 2007 at 7:43 pm
Can’t say as I blame you.
Be well.
July 18th, 2007 at 3:25 pm
So it’s over then? Wow, I can’t believe it. Well, thanks for all of the insight, I really, really, appreciate it. If you’re ever in Nashville, look me up. Drinks on me.
July 21st, 2007 at 8:11 pm
I lost the love of my life 24 years ago. I’ve never really gotten over it. I’m happy that I had her love though. She is always with me and left me a beautiful daughter to remind me of her beauty.
Still sometimes, the power just goes off and I lie around all day.
Surely there’s a reason for this kind of stuff. We just don’t know it yet.
Best of luck AT.