August 27th, 2007 by Atomictumor
Listening to Sweet Virginia by the Stones, and thinking its the best song for today.
I went to Donuts for Dads at Pigpen’s school, a tradition that I did with MastaG years before, and am doing now. While there, I sat with Bos, October, and Spotz, and it was great spending time with little Pigpen. As I left, I walked him down to the cafeteria, so he could get more food (he likes breakfast).
I hugged him and told him good bye, and then walked away. I turned around about 10 feet away from him, and he was still standing there, with his backpack on, his back turned to me. He was watching the rest of the kids, just standing there like he didn’t care to go anywhere just yet.
It struck me that he’s growing up. Its struck me a lot this year, watching him wander off to the ‘big school’, but it really hit today. I never really felt this way about MastaG growing up, because he’s the big kid, and maybe thats unfair to him, or me, or something, but I really feel it today.
Because to a huge part of me, they’re all I’ve got. That part of me is trying to learn, particuarly now that I’m in a relationship of sorts with a great girl (hate the word relationship), that I don’t have to be the widower, that I don’t have to stand apart from the world, wounded, subjugating my wants and needs purposefully, simply because I don’t know what to do with them, and don’t want to screw around with having them.
I keep telling her that I wouldn’t wish being the girlfriend (or ladyfriend) of a widower on my worst enemy. Not because I feel like I’m cheating on BJ, not at all, but because of all the other things just lying beneath the surface. The things that I avoided, or ignored, because I didn’t figure there could be anything for me after her.
Its an odd trip, and one that I can’t predict at all. Its one that I can’t really talk to my friends about, because its kinda weird to talk to people that knew me and BJ, and our love, and our relationship, and our us, about this new life. Not sure why, and I’m almost certain none of these people feel that way, so I guess its just me. Surely they don’t look at me like a wounded animal, right?
Odd, odd odd.
Maybe I’m just melancholy, or in my traditonal late summer funk (the heat’s about enough to do it). I haven’t had energy for a week, my throat hurts, and I don’t want to talk to anybody.
At the same time, I’m so tired of being alone.
I’m tired of being the widower. And the dad with the momless kids growing up so quickly, and so bittersweetly.
August 27th, 2007 at 11:04 am
Thats all so understandable. You’re a person, AT and you need that human interaction and companionship WITH an adult. There’s a certain kind of attention you get from a ladyfriend that you haven’t had in a while and you don’t really get from friends (and no, I don’t mean THAT). Good for you. I’m happy for ya.
August 27th, 2007 at 11:17 am
That light you’re seeing is sunlight. Keep moving towards it.
August 27th, 2007 at 11:50 am
Keep on keeping on, man. You’re doing just fine. No one looks at you like a wounded animal - just as a person, a friend.
I’m glad you have someone that makes you smile. You deserve it.
August 27th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
Surely they don’t look at me like a wounded animal, right?
I’ve been trying to figure how to get you on my grill for some time now, but it just isn’t big enough.
August 27th, 2007 at 12:58 pm
You’re the best dad in the world for those boys. Funny, I can remember leaving you at the baby setter or dropping you off at the school bus stop at Red Food parking lot. I like thinking about those days. But I like spending time with my grown up son(s) too! You’ll feel the same when those boys grow up. Look forward to seeing you all on the camping trip!
August 27th, 2007 at 1:40 pm
I don’t know you. How can someone. I only know what you write on this blog. What I have learned for me, is that your sons are so fortunate that YOU are their dad. I would have liked a dad like you. I also think your ladyfriend, is fantastically lucky as well. If anything shows in the last year of this blog, it’s how much and how well you love. I hope the one I love, loves me that much.
August 27th, 2007 at 2:27 pm
“Odd, odd, odd.” That is how life seems to work, just odd. You seem like you are doing just what you need to do and its working. That is good. And the heat makes me feel like crap too.
August 27th, 2007 at 3:04 pm
You get to define your own path, here, AT. You don’t have to be anything for anyone (other than a dad to your boys, and you do that better than anyone else could). So, screw the ‘widower’ label. You didn’t feel like you had to behave a certain way, or answer questions in a certain way before, so why now? Try to be kind and patient with yourself, and keep riding the wave.
August 27th, 2007 at 4:07 pm
You my friend are “Living”
August 27th, 2007 at 4:09 pm
AT-
You’re doing it exactly the same as all us W’s. I felt the same way when I started seeing The Bob… I was really pretty sneaky about it because my friends and family were really not ready for me to move on from EB, even though he would have wanted me to do exactly that. Just keep doing what you are doing… and kudos to the LF for walking your lifepath with you and the boys. No one can understand what this life is until they have to live it… as I have said many times. Nothing has ever been the same since that day in October when that Dr. told me that they “lost” him (btw, I told him to look harder, he probably left on his own). There’s a new normal now, a two part life that bisects on that day. Nothing will ever be the same, but it’s not a bad life. It’s just not the same as the old one. I frequently hear in my head “make new memories but keep the old, one is silver and the other’s gold”. Just keep living, everyone else will catch up!
August 27th, 2007 at 7:42 pm
That’s the thing about life. It’s ALL so unpredictable. I think you’ve handled everything with so much grace (sorry if that’s not seen as a masculine word, but I think if you have grace, it’ll get you through just about anything) and dignity. I can’t imagine your boys being any luckier than having a dad like you.
August 27th, 2007 at 9:27 pm
“grace (sorry if that’s not seen as a masculine word”
“”Courage is grace under pressure.”
~ Ernest Hemingway
If Hemingway, the quintessential manly-man, can use the word “grace,” I’m guessing it’s a masculine word.
Just sayin’.
August 28th, 2007 at 9:10 am
They always grow up so quickly, so bittersweetly… just as you did, and will continue to do.
Just like Pigpen’s made a happy transition to his new school, you’re sort of doing the same yourself, and doing very well.
Like Joel said, keep walking toward the sunshine.