November 17th, 2007 by Atomictumor
I love you, GAC.
Its been a long year, like we all knew it would be. Like I told G, the next day was Saturday, and the day after that was Sunday, the world kept turning. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, they all creeped on by, slowly at first, and then with the normal pace of life.
I tried like hell to reach you. I went outside every night, and tried to force my mind through the veil of the meaty, physical world, into wherever you were. I was so afraid that you needed me, that I had to help you through something, that you were all alone, afraid, sad, lost. Sometimes I got through, like that first Sunday, when I was in the bathroom alone and heard you so clearly as we talked. Remember? That was when I asked you to look over your parents, told you that I’d be OK, and you did.
The strange coincidences involved in those situations, the kind of stuff that its so darn easy to believe as coincidences, or dismiss, seem so natural now.
I wish I knew where you were, and what you are doing. PigpenJuicebox and I had a conversation on the way to school one day, and he suggested that maybe you have a special TV that watches us. That’s cool.
Thanks for dancing with me in February. I was down, honey, it was a hard day, but I felt you so clearly holding me, and telling me it was OK. It lifted me up, and sent me another step forward to where I am today.
Thanks for being with the boys. There were so many nights that I felt you rubbing their heads, as we said our nightly prayers (we started doing that after you died. Ironic, huh?), looking after your sweet boys just like you did when you were here. I know you walked every step with them, and you still do. They honor you, those kids are amazing. They manage to have your loyalty to friends, your open heart. Sometimes, but just rarely, I see your face in them. You know, tho, I’ve always sucked at telling who looks like who.
I found love again, like you figured I would. I remember telling you that I couldn’t love anybody but you, and you said that’d be asinine, or something like that. Those bedroom nighttime “what-if” conversations that I guess everybody has, turns out you were right again. You’re a pretty smart cookie.
Its nice, because I get the feeling that she loves you too, in a way that I don’t understand. She certainly isn’t bothered by you, and she’s gone to tears over what happened between you and I once or twice. She loves me, and thats what you wanted. More importantly, she loves our punk kids. She’s a little nervous (and she’ll probably end up reading this, so this is kinda weird) stepping into such big shoes. I’d tell her that her feet are bigger than yours, but I don’t think that’d help.
Its a testament to you, my little cookie. You got your family off to an amazing start. You picked me up, and taught me how to love. You made me what I am today, and I’m very happy with what I am today. You helped make those boys the amazing things they are. They made it through this unscarred, full of the childhood enthusiasm and happiness, they’re not stunted, they’re not angry, and I think that’s because of who you were. Sure, I guess I had a little bit to do with it, but thats probably because of how you molded me over those 10 years, baby.
You will always be honored and loved in my family, little girl. You hold such a beautiful spot in my heart, and I will always love you with fervor and intensity. The beauty of that is that I’ve learned that you can love two that way.
Still kinda wonder how the whole thing works when all three of us are dead, if its some kind of weird heaven love triangle or something, but I’ve been told by wise people that that sort of stuff works itself out, and I guess maybe you already understand how.
That reminds me, I’m envious in a way. You KNOW. All the questions, all the wondering, all the theoretical conversations and theories we had over the years about what happens after death, whether enlightenment, nothingness, or something in between, you’re already there.
You’ve convinced me that theres not nothingness, but in that dream I had where you were sitting on the end of the bed, talking to me, and I asked you “What is the secret?”, your smiled at me, turned your head, and left. That was totally you, you punk girl.
You always liked keeping a good secret from me.
I love you. Its been a good year, honey. A hard one, a weird one, but a good one.
Nice talking to you. Come visit anytime.
November 17th, 2007 at 9:30 am
It’s amazing to me how things have turned out. I’m not surprised that you’ve found love again, because you’re one of the single most amazing people I’ve ever known. I’m not surprised to know that the boys are fine and happy, because God had spoken to them through you and you were open to His guidance. I’m not surprised to know that AKA loves you so much. Last year about this time you opened your heart and spoke to the world, and I think we all knew someone would read it and fall in love with your soul. I’m still so sad for GAC for so many reasons… I won’t go into that, though. God is so good to see you through into this wonderful life He’s set up for you, and I know that GAC is celebrating with us.
On a different note, Happy Birthday, AKA! I’m glad you’re part of the family (almost).
November 17th, 2007 at 10:17 am
thinking about you.
November 17th, 2007 at 11:31 am
Beautiful.
November 17th, 2007 at 11:59 am
Jen is right you are an amazing soul. Your elegance with words is a testament to the beauty that is inside you. GAC and AKA are lucky to have their lives touched by you. I thank God that He allowed you, your story, and your lovely boys to touch my life in a small way. God bless you, the boys and AKA.
November 17th, 2007 at 12:00 pm
Thanks for sharing.
November 17th, 2007 at 12:51 pm
This morning, last year, Bos came in as I was sleeping and brought me the news that BJ had a stroke overnight.
This morning, this year, Bos came in as I was sleeping and brought me a bouncy, hungry, giggling baby.
Life and death and everything in the middle. It’s been a good year.
November 17th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
Its not a new baby, is it? Cuz lord knows, you don’t need one of those…
November 17th, 2007 at 2:26 pm
Last night mjf and I were laying in bed reading. He had asked me to grab this old Poetry and Prose book that was on the shelf (I collect old books). There on the inside of the front cover was her name, written in her small, neat hand writing. It made me smile. I can’t remember her letting me have or borrow that book, but it’s nice to have a piece of her in our house. I miss her.
And I am so happy for AT and his new family. It is beautiful.
November 17th, 2007 at 2:43 pm
So many things go through my head. So many images and memories and regrets. Too many. I was worried about this day for so long, but just yesterday in class we had a presentation on losing a spouse and were asked to share (warped idea of a good presentation, I know, but that’s nursing school for you). Someone said that her grandpa told her it wasn’t the anniversary of the death that hurt. It wasn’t anything like it. It was little things everyday that reminded him of her. I think you’ve taken that “hurt” from the little things and made it something beautiful, something to honor her.
November 17th, 2007 at 2:44 pm
Now, on my unrelated note…
Happy Bday AKA. Celebrate and enjoy!!!
November 17th, 2007 at 6:37 pm
Maybe for different reasons, but this has been a difficult and emotional year for many of us. I’ll have to admit that I’ve stopped by the GAC parking garage and touched those beautiful letters that some loving soul etched in the wet cement.
I’m glad that you are happy AT. I’m glad your boys are strong. And I’m glad that you found someone to love you.
All in all, an excellent year. Cheers.
November 17th, 2007 at 7:40 pm
It’s good to see the four of you at peace, having fun, and remembering the joy that was GAC. Your lives are forever richer, and she’ll always be part of who you are.
Knowing her, even for a short time, was a gift. Knowing all of you now keeps on giving.
November 17th, 2007 at 7:44 pm
I always looked at BJ in high school and thought, “She seems so cool” and she was. I’m glad a had a chance to know her.
November 17th, 2007 at 8:58 pm
BJ’s life and death have had a profound impact on me, on the way I do my job, and on the way I see my loved ones. Thank you for being so open and available on every level to express what you have gone through. I have no fear for you and AKA. I’m proud to be her mother in law, and I look forward to loving her for the rest of my life. We are family.
Oddly enough, I was reminded of you and your questions last Sunday, when the church reading concerned marriage. In Luke 20: 34-36, Jesus speaks of marriage in heaven, and the gist of it is that marriage is an earthly thing, not a heavenly one. If I had to ponder why, I would ponder along the lines of marriage as God intended it, to reflect the perfect love of Christ for His bride, his people. In heaven, we will be in the presence of the real thing, and our marriages, our unions of two imperfect bodies and souls, will be redundant.
I have often thought that the love you had for BJ was a love that mirrored Christ’s love as closely as I have ever seen in a marriage.
I believe that same powerful love is what draws you and your beautiful new bride-to-be together, and I pray that God blesses your family for the rest of time.
November 17th, 2007 at 9:05 pm
A year ago, I had no idea what the coming months would bring. Sure, I had faith then that life would go on and be well even. I just didn’t know what was around the corner. How could I?
How could any of us?
I’d say that in the past thirteen months, yes I realize that’s longer than a month Sherlock, I’ve come to experience more love than I have in a long time. Thank you, AT.
I’m truly glad that you’re my kids’ Godfather.
GAC, I miss you. It’s harder to write without you.
AKA, thanks so much to you, too. You’re part of a wonderful family– truly blessed.
November 17th, 2007 at 9:19 pm
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things….
November 17th, 2007 at 10:01 pm
So beautiful. I’m so glad that you feel her close, and are reassured that she’s fine and happy. Those little non-coincidences are so precious, and so heart-stopping when they happen. Thank you so much for sharing that. I enjoy reading your blog, and am inspired by you and your sons. Congratulations on your new love. I’m very happy for all of you.
November 17th, 2007 at 10:24 pm
I’d write something coherent, if I could see the moniter through the tears. Instead, I will go hold my husband as tightly as I can, and be thankful for the here, the now, and love.
November 18th, 2007 at 8:17 am
Your post is amazing and very respectful. I have stayed tuned to see the changes and growth. It has never shown you forgetting where you came from or where or what is most important. Best of Luck with your family and love Aka. I personally think of a Ruby when I read your stories about her. A gem solid and pure. So I call her Ruby in my mind. May MastrG and JuiceBox know the love you carry in your heart for all your family.
November 18th, 2007 at 12:50 pm
I came upon your blog by accident, the day after GAC was hospitalized. I kind of randomly checked in the next day or so, went back and read some of the archives, and then became riveted as your story unfolded. I am not ashamed to say I prayed nightly for your family, and cried real tears when your beloved BJ passed. I told my own family what happened, and over the last year I have come back to the ‘Tumor a couple of times a week to follow your journey. I am grateful for whatever it was that inspired you to record this, to document your feelings– all of them. I love knowing that you once again have a strong woman by your side… You can sure pick ‘em.
November 18th, 2007 at 2:17 pm
Not much I can add, your words (or something like them) were written on my heart on my first year anniversary on Oct. 7th, 2005. I understand. Life is like a book with the next chapter yet to be written, and you will write it as you live it. Joy and sadness are interconnected parts of life. You and the boys go on and live, because that’s what you are supposed to do. The unseen things in our life are still there, all the time, alongside the seen, they just live in your heart. Blessings on AKA, her path isn’t easy, loving someone with a legend in their life is hard. But she does it, because she loves all of you, and GAC because she is a part of that all.
I wish you all, strangers yet neighbors from a country that is sad yet joyous, peace and love. Those are gifts from the unseen yet seen.
November 19th, 2007 at 8:41 am
Ho! Mitakuye Oyasin
“We Are All Related!
November 19th, 2007 at 11:55 am
I am glad that you and the boys found love again. I think it is what BJ would have wanted. She would have wanted you to live your life and enjoy every minute of it. I hope that BJ’s parents have found the peace you have. Blessing on your family!
Happy late Birthday AKA!
And
Happy early Birthday MastaG!
April 16th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
this is amazing and it touched me deaply! its been awhile since ive heard from AT and his family n i just thought i would catch up. While i was reading this i felt GAC presents with me! i loved her so much and just didnt get to let her know! AT i love you and the boys too! and im sooo happy you have met someone! i know this past year has had its moments but GAC has been with all of us the whole time. I know she is with you and your family everyday! i love you guys!