November 19th, 2007 by Atomictumor
My first year as a widower is over.
I’ve thought a lot over the past year about what I’d have to say today, what kind of insights I’d have, or what my state of mind would be. I’ve questioned my ability to make it, in those early months, not in the “I’m not going to survive until then” way, but in the same way that the parent of a newborn, screaming like a hellion at 2 in the morning for the 4th day straight, questions whether the day will ever come that that kid will get his own cereal or drive a car.
I find that its not what I expect.
I remember being terrified of THIS, of normalcy. I was terrified that I would forget what it was like, or that I’d have to constantly remember my loss in order for my loss to continue being tangible.
And I have. I mean, I can look at pictures, or reread her old posts, or reflect on things together, but it doesn’t put her by my side. That was my fear. I was afraid that by that happening, I’d be letting her down, or letting her die, or something. Theres a lot of guilt involved in losing your wife, I’ve learned.
So I guess thats one insight.
But the thing is, I didn’t expect what happened to happen. I didn’t expect to discover that I’m not really troubled by the fact that I can’t ‘place’ her by my side, or that I can’t feel her out in the wide world. That I can go a whole day only thinking about her in passing, and with that thought being painless.
Looking at the past year, it seems a blur. The one year mark has been a big one for me, in that I remember so many people who commented, or emailed, telling me that for the first year, they were lost. That it went by like a blur. There were so many sleepless nights in November and December that I stayed up, laptop on the bed, lights off, reading the emails and comments, and trying to glean everything I could from them, like they were a manual. I guess in a way, they were.
I can say with perfect humility and honesty that I would not have coped as well if I hadn’t had the enormous support that I got. I would have made it, sure, because thats what you do, but it would have been hard. I never felt alone, even when I was lonely, and thats amazing. My family, my friends (so many that I’ve made, that are a huge part of my life today, were made in the past year), and you guys on this little website, who prayed for us, or cheered me on, or sympathized, or advised (even when it irritated me), or just lurked affected me in such a profound way that I never could explain it. I needed you, and you were there.
Its never been easy for me to lean on people. I’m a very, very hard headed and self sufficient guy, probably to a fault. I have a hard time properly expressing gratitude, or explaining what it means to me, so I prefer not to have help. Guess its a guy thing.
I’ve looked back at the posts every once in a while, particularly in the last 3 weeks, almost like a rubbernecker at a traffic accident, and it occurred to me that I was seeing it from your perspective, because I’m fulfilled, I’m secure, I’m loved (and in love), and I’m safe.
Guess that means I’m doing a lot better than I thought I’d be in a year.
Thanks, everybody.
November 19th, 2007 at 9:29 am
As we say in the South, you’re good people. An as my favorite movie says, “No man is a failure who has friends.” You impacted so many, also, with your words and abiding love. Your “Hey baby” post made me cry like last year all over again. I wish you and your new life much happiness. You are ready and open to it. Happy Thanksgiving!
November 19th, 2007 at 10:09 am
I am glad to have been able to make this journey with you, if only to have kept you company during the hard times.
My snarky comments are always at your service.
November 19th, 2007 at 10:42 am
You haven’t been alone. I still have the little stamp-sized picture of GAC smiling at me from the pencil box on my desk. It’s the one you gave G during that terrible week. I can’t say exactly why I’ve kept it there. I guess I keep it partly out of respect for her and you (I know that seems weird). Probably the main reason I keep it is to remind myself how very much I have to lose, and how grateful I am for every day of own life. Somehow the picture is very comforting. GAC’s smile seems to say that she knows all those secrets you mentioned, and that they are all really good things. What could be more positive than that?
Thanks for allowing me to lurk around this past year. It has been an honor to see into part of your life, to be a witness, and to offer some small degree of support. I have loved every glimpse I’ve seen of your beautiful boys, and I’m glad that they are doing so well. Good luck to you, AT. It’s wonderful that your new life is unfolding in such a positive way. The future looks bright.
November 19th, 2007 at 11:45 am
The one year mark is a big one, you’re right.
It’s so wonderful to hear how well you and the boys are doing, and, thank you for letting us in your world.
November 19th, 2007 at 12:04 pm
A blog can be an amazing support even by comments from people you’ve never met. Guess it’s like keeping a journal in a diary but people read it and tell you what they think. Having read your posts over the last year plus I’ve really seen you come a long way. Hats off to you for pulling through this and helping your sons through it as well. Great job!
November 19th, 2007 at 12:38 pm
Seasons of Love
COMPANY
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes - how do you measure,
measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In
inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In 525,600 minutes - how do you
measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of
love.
SOLOIST 1
525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan. 525,600 minutes - how can you measure
the life of a woman or man?
SOLOIST 2
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried. In bridges he burned, or
the way that she died.
COMPANY
It’s time now to sing out, tho the story never ends let’s celebrate remember a year in the life of friends. Remember
the love! Remember the love! Remember
the love! Measure in love. Seasons of love! Seasons of love.
-From the Broadway musical “Rent”
I’ve been thinking of GAC and you and the wonderful circle of friends that exists down there in OR and then my daughter played this for me. I’ve heard it before plenty of times but it sounds so different to me now.
Thank you for taking us along on your journey this past year. You all are truly special people.
November 19th, 2007 at 1:30 pm
Here’s what it sounds like…(in case you haven’t heard it)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hj7LRuusFqo
November 19th, 2007 at 3:59 pm
Thank you for sharing this special year with us.
November 19th, 2007 at 4:34 pm
:-)
November 19th, 2007 at 7:12 pm
You say that you’ve felt supported by the readers, even if only lurkers. For me, you have given an awful lot as well. Just through the priviledge of being able to read your story, I think I am a better person. Not that I think I’m some fantastic person or anything, but better than the somewhat okish person I was when I found this blog. Maybe I still need some work LOL. You have shown what strength and grace are like in the face of immeasurable sadness. You have shown what great parenting is all about. You have shown that there is hope, and love, and the future in any situation. For those of us who are fortunate enough to not have walked your road, you have left a path of footprints to follow for us if ever we needed it, just as you say people left for you, in their own experienced comments and emails. I’m very glad AT that people such as you are in the world. There’s too much bad to see sometimes. Your effect on us is like ripples in a pond. You have no idea how far reaching it might really be. Thank you.
November 19th, 2007 at 9:34 pm
If you’re lost you can look–and you will find us
time after time
if you fall we will catch you–we’ll be waiting
time after time .
November 20th, 2007 at 8:04 am
Time sure is a funny thing. To some, it is very cruel. To some its a soothing balm. Sometimes we get to chose which we prefer.
You chose well AT.
November 20th, 2007 at 1:55 pm
One of the things I have to teach my Rugby Team, is to keep the ball going forward. Not sideways, not backward. It is the only way to compete, the only way to win. I am hereby making you an honorary member of ORRFC( Oak Ridge Rugby Football Club), for your expertise at Going Forward!
November 20th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
In the past year you changed a lot of people’s lives. Your words were not taken lightly, your pain was felt around the world. As a result:
I hug my kids a little tighter, I take more pictures, I forgive more easily and I try to forget that which truly doesn’t matter. I do things I wouldn’t have normally, I say things I might not have. I give more and take less. I say “thanks” for every day, even the bad ones.
November 20th, 2007 at 2:29 pm
Wow! So glad you have found peace.
November 20th, 2007 at 2:53 pm
Over the past year I have watched you grow, deal and move on. It is so good to see that you know it is ok to be happy. I am so glad that you and the boys with Mandy are HAPPY. Nobody deserves it more than you guys. Good Luck and remember how much you have to be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving!!!
November 20th, 2007 at 3:49 pm
It is truly a blessed Thanksgiving to watch you find your happiness. I didn’t know how you would deal with the one year anniversary and I see that you came through with flying colors. There is a lot to be thankful for this year. My best friend has seen a miracle occur as her Stage IV cancer has almost completely been eradicated with chemotherapy.
Blessings to you, your new family and to all your readers around the world. I don’t know about you but I will be saying an extra thanks this year at the table.
December 4th, 2007 at 5:14 pm
Don’t forget, you affected us too. Helping me to remember to love more :)
January 10th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Just checking in… glad you’ve found some peace AT, you touched me and my life in a great way even though you had no idea. Take care.
coco (the canadian version)