Casimir Pulaski Day isn’t January 18th
January 18th, 2008 by Atomictumor
I came into work today with my little external hard drive. See, for various reasons, I haven’t had music at work for the past few weeks like I always used to do, so I brought the hard drive in, hooked it up to the company lappy (yes, I have a company lappy. Season of change, lemme tell ya) and got down with some of the music.
Now, I didn’t have a lot of time to get a lot of music. You have to transfer it from the media computer, which (for various reasons) has a wifi connection, over to the lappy, which has a wifi connection, over to the hard drive. I guess I could have hooked the hard drive straight up to the media computer, but the plug is behind a dresser, and lo, the obstacles we all have.
So, I didn’t get a lot of music. I got maybe 14, 15 records, all newish stuff, or stuff that I haven’t listened to in a while. Stuff that kinda caught my eye in the 5 minutes I was throwing stuff on the drive (before the 45 minutes it took to transfer).
Today, after driving the kids to school, where Juicebox and I sang Happy Birthday to BJ, and talked about how he’ll have two mommie’s when we’re all in heaven, I got to work and plugged that bad boy in. Its been great listening to music.
The song playing now, and the one that prompted me to write this today, is Casimir Pulaski Day, by Sufjan Stevens. I haven’t listened to it in a long time, its a song that always had a huge emotional meaning to me.
Golden rod and the 4-H stone
The things I brought you
When I found out you had cancer of the bone
It just always used to hit me. I’d be in tears by the time the song was over, and when I got to the point when I felt done being in tears, when I wasn’t going to let sadness overwhelm me anymore, I just kinda avoided the song. If it came on the shuffle, I’d skip it.
Well, it came on today, of all days. And it brought back my talk with my little boy, who has two mommies. And my big boy, in the car the other day, about how much he loves the people in his life. And my talk with my second love of my life, about how she loves BJ for reasons that I can maybe understand but not explain, and about how I love my second love with every part. And it made me think that I’m not sad that today’s birthday girl is gone, but that I’m happy that I have her birthday to celebrate with my family. And it brought back 10 years in my past. And it brought back the thought of untold years in my future.
And it still puts a lump in my throat, that song, but not the same way. It brings out the amazing goodness of life, about how it has downs, sure, it has hard downs that we experience, but the amazing highs of being up overwhelm them, and how those surreal joys, when you’re thinking “this can’t be real” are somehow more real than the hard times.
And I smile instead, as I send a text message to that sweet second love of my life “I love you”/
January 18th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Exactly as it should be.
January 18th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Happy birthday, GAC.
January 18th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Damnit AT. You can make me cry faster and easier than any other person online. I’m really happy you and the boys have found peace and love again. :)
January 18th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
What a wonderful birthday!!
So happy for you!
January 18th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
I enjoy reading your site, I wanted to let you know I’ve got a little something for you on my site…
I awarded you the Excellent Blog Award. ; D
http://projectmommy.wordpress.com/
January 18th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
As NotAMeanGirl said you do have a knack for making me cry. Sometimes with sadness, but many, many times with happiness and hope.
January 18th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
AT, you don’t know me but I was an old friend (junior high and high school) of GAC. I think you and I met once just after G was born. BJ and I lost touch after that first year of college, not through any falling out, just through distance and the passage of time. But I only found out about losing her today when my own mother who still lives in Andersonville saw the memorial for her in the newspaper. I have been in shock and grieving this news since, spending the last several hours glued to this page trying to make some sense of this all. Albeit, I know this didn’t just happen yesterday, I wanted to tell you what BJ meant to me. Over the years since school, she was the only one I ever really thought about and wondered how she was. (As I’m sure you know Anderson County High School was kind of a place one might want to forget). But as recently as two weeks ago I was asking about BJ and wishing I could track her down. (I am so very sorry that this is the way that that would end up happening) I love BJ and have only fond memories of her. I don’t even think I realized it back then, but she was such a true friend to me. I was thinking tonight of all of the things she was there for me through. We would play endless games of super mario brothers (a silly memory to have, I know, but something that pops to mind, along with tales of ghosts at the house, pearl jam, movies, mall trips, smoky smoke, etc… ) She was such an intelligent, articulate, individual, wonderful person. Through the years after school, we would miss connection several times, sending phone numbers back and forth through parents, but never getting back together, and that is something that I will forever regret. I loved her and just wanted to express my sorrow that she is gone, even if it is late coming. The immense guilt that I feel at missing her passing, but moreover at missing out on the amazing woman she became cannot even be expressed. The recent pictures of the boys are nice to see (they have so much of her twinkling eyes, cheeks, and smile). She was a truly special person, and the boys, I’m sure know how much she is loved (even by those long ago friends who will never forget her).
Thank you for your amazing writing and deep love for my dear friend. It is truly a gift to be able to reconnect with her beautiful life, even in the past, and in death through this blog. My deapest love and wellwishes to the entire family on this, her birthday.
Stephanie (Shelby) Owensby
January 19th, 2008 at 12:00 am
Happy birthday GAC.
January 19th, 2008 at 10:32 am
I found your blog a few months ago when I was looking at information on Ashley Paine. I was instantly pulled in by your amazing ability to write and spent the next several days of my free time reading the archives; mostly about BJ. Most of the times I ended up in tears over your obvious immense love for your wife and boys. I have continued reading daily and this entry, again, brought tears to my eyes. How blessed your family is to have your amazing love in their lives.
Fellow Oak Ridger–
Anne
January 19th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
This blog,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,is life.
January 19th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Happy Birthday.