Atomictumor

But its raining.  I haven’t been try in like 2 hours, thanks to my wonderful sunroof leak technology…

The title says it all, right? I can just stop typing now, hit the “Publish” button and call it a day.

When we test drove our van, the lcd on the cd player didn’t work. We were told that sometimes “they just go out” and sorry Mr. & Mrs. Tumor, there was nothing else we could do. Sometimes it comes back to life for a short period. That’s when I rush to program stations… while I can still see the call numbers.

After we signed the papers and gave them our check, we got in the van to go home. Smoke started issuing from the left headlight. That appeared to be a case of mechanic who’s too stupid to install a lightbulb.

About a year ago a fly got in the van. I rolled down my driver’s window to let it out. I pushed the button to raise the window, but nothing happened. That night, AT took a look at it and managed to get the window up, but smoke started coming out of the door where the motor is.

Sometimes the passenger window works, but we try not to use it since we don’t know if it’ll ever go back up again.

The sunroof, too.

The “door ajar” sensors on the trunk and rear driver’s side door malfunction. Every time I go up a hill or hit a bump, the interior lights come on.

The RPM meter is stuck.

I’m almost out of windshield wiper fluid, so every time I turn a curve, that light comes on. Yeah, that one’s fixable. We’re just lazy.

The other day I woke up to take the kids to school. I hit my head on a lamp, couldn’t find my f-in’ keys, the kids couldn’t find any of their stuff. When I got to the van, everything malfunctioned at the same time. I got huffy and stomped my foot on the brake pedal.

Now the “service brakes” light comes on every time I use them.

Anyone want to buy a van? It has a tv and vcr.

IF loud noises scare babies.

AND

IF people who scare babies are assholes

THEN

People who drive loud vehicles are assholes.

There, I’ve justified it.

So on my way home from lunch today, I was enjoying this beautiful kind of weather that makes you want to grab your best girl and yodel, while stopped at a redlight. An eternal red light.

I was in the right lane, and some massive SUV was in the left, pulled up about 3 feet further than me, so as to obscure my left view. King Kong could have been back there, and I wouldn’t have known. Unless he was noisy. Or smelled funny.

You know, King Kong probably would have some serious smell. He’d also have dander the size of a bison frise. But thats not the point here.

No, the point was a landscaper, having sat through the green light that was in his favor, seized on the opportunity to ford the road as the light was set to let us go.

I, as is my usual want, was in the process of revving the engine of the Volvo to the point of a shrill scream and looking around, daring anybody on the road to try their luck with me. As the light turned green, I threw the beast into first with a maniacal laugh, and flew out from the intersection, right as the hapless idiot picked that moment to wander out from his hiding spot in front of the SUV.

Quel dumbass, oui. But how much would that have been worth?

Well, good question. According to Death Race 2000 canonical rules, unfortunately, it would only be worth 20 points, which seems a bit lopside, considering that infants and the elderly are worth multiples of that. What the hell?

Wouldn’t it be the harder target that’d be worth the most points? I figure an adult male landscaper would have to be worth something, if for no reason that the signifigant girth of the man and the weedeater that the fellow was holding would probably dent the car up. I mean, its swedish steel, which is totally hard, but its also as aerodynamic as the Sears Tower, so its not like anybody’s going to roll over it.

Ah well, its a moot point.

I’ve had my share of problems with the ol’Volvo that I favor, but they’re all pretty well sorted out now, thanks to its winter sabbatical down at the Blueberry Farm.

One thing we didn’t have the time or resources to fix, was the pain in the ass sunroof the car sports. Yeah, sunroofs are super great, and with weather like this, it’d be bitchin to throw that bad boy wide open and let my glorously long blond locks wave free in the air as I drive down the road. Yeah, hot chicks would probably get into car crashes ogling, but hey, if you got it, flaunt it.

Problem is, that thrice damned sunroof just won’t cooperate. It’s crank operated, so its just simple mechanics operating it instead of the arcane voodoo of electricity, but the bastard won’t close completely, which has turned the innards of the sunroof cavity into a dark, forbidding hickory nut graveyard. The nuts go in, but they don’t go out.

It could be worse. The thing doesn’t leak anymore than it ever did, which was whenever it

a) happened to be raining, and
b) momentum favors the fore of the vessel, as shown in this Volvo diagram

So, easy on the brakes.

However, today I decided to take it upon myself to get out there and fix the bastard.  So I spent 2 hours taking it apart, cleaning it, and putting it back together again (mostly, I left out the wind guard because it was beer-thirty, and I don’t open the dumb thing anyway), and it still didn’t work.

Jesus.  That was a lot of build up for a quick conclusion, wasn’t it?