OK, so I figure I’m gonna toss a dog a bone here, and describe the herculean efforts involved in building your own computer. I undertook the process, as most of you know (and as all of you do now) a few weeks ago, and it takes some time and effort to successfully build a badass computer (or even a neutralass computer), so I figured I’d just lay it all down here so that those of you with the grit to go in there and build a machine yourself, that may have never done it, will know what to do.
Or something.
Lets begin!
—
First step, as with all things done right, is planning. Plan, plan, plan. Deliberate. What do you want this thing to do?
- Check mail and get on the internet?
You can do that on your phone. If thats all you need a computer for, people like me are going to kick sand in your face at the beach, and nobody wants that. Not me, and not you. No, you need to have grandiose schemes for your computer, and the sheer ball to make those schemes a reality.
- Play video games?
Get an Xbox. They’re cheaper, and have a little controller thingy. Not that you can’t have a controller thingy on the computer, but c’mon, a big fancy computer dedicated to just playing video games, while pretty awesome, is still a waste of a lot of stuff.
- Hack the government?
OK, Mitnick, but you’re better off using a friends computer for that, aren’t you?
- Control all of the resources of a fledgling island nation, including a fully armed nuclear arsenal?
Hell yes. Now you’re damn well talking, and I’ll tell you how to build THAT computer. Then you can check your email, get on the internet, and play computer games instead like I do.
OK, so once you’ve figured out what your ultimate goal is (world domination, naturally), then you can start thinking about what you’re going to need in the computer. A computer, not unlike a pecan pie, has a few different ingredients. It has a case, with some lights, and metal bits, and little rubber things on the bottom. Thats the part you see.
The other parts that you might not necessarily see, oftentimes tend to be the most important. While its logical to assume that a case with maybe some racing stripes, flames, or christmas lights strung up on it will be a bitchin’ fast computer, that assumption, surprisingly, is false. Those things only moderately increase the power and speed of your computer, but significantly increase the amount of women (or men, if thats your thing) that are wildly attracted to you because of the computer. We’ll get back to that later.
So, there are a few things that you have to keep in mind with building computers. The pecan pie analogy is good, because everybody (but me, ironically) like pecan pies, but lets drop it for a bit and switch gears to understand the parts of the computer and what they do.
Lets compare a computer to some weird guy.
Now, the computer has a few parts that would compare to some weird guys brain. The processor, obviously, is the thinking part of that guys brain. Its the part that takes in the input from the eyes, ears, nose, and other places we won’t talk about, and tells the mouth to start talking about bananas. It, well, processes things. Like why you haven’t written your grandparents in months. Or why you haven’t cleaned up your backyard in months. It processes through a clever maze of switches (switches for your bitches, if you’re an old skool Dr. Dre fan, and really, deep down, who isn’t?) that open and close, letting data in, but never releasing the little teeny tiny minotaur who wants to mate with the wifi fairies to create little flying angry minofairies.
I digress.
So, the processor processes. Excellent.
Now, it wouldn’t do much good if it didn’t have anything to process, so thats where the memory comes in. Now, memory comes in two types, the long term memory (which we’ll get to in a minute, settle down), and the short term memory. The short term memory is called RAM, which stands for Radical Awesome Midgets, in honor of the rollerderby champ team from Silicon Valley in the early 70s.
Man, those midgets could skate, lemme tell you.
The RAM takes the data that the processor is about to put to the switches, and doles it out very quickly and efficiently. Too much, and the switches get tired and cranky. Not enough, and, well, you’re not going to have much of a computer. The more RAM you have, the quicker your machine will be, because it’ll have that lightning quick poker dealer style doling of 1s and 0s to the processor (which, if you recall, processes).
Now, there are buses involved, and they drive those ones and zeros on the big mighty open highways of the Motherboard. As everybody knows, the motherboard is obviously named after Frank Zappa’s Mothers of Inventions, who are now using their zircon encrusted tweezers on the wild plains of Mont
ana just like Frank said they’d be. The motherboard is the central nervous system of the computer. It takes the power from the power supply (more on that later), doles it out to the processor, the RAM, and all the little nooks and crannies. It controls the input, and how the input gets outputted. It has all the power, and theres nothing that anybody can do about it. If the motherboard ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.
So, the RAM and Processor sit in the motherboard like the kings of the castle. The motherboard gets its juice from the powersupply, which is a fancy adapter, like those little black things that always take up two friggin spots on the damn power strip so you can’t plug the blender in with the microwave and the toaster and the crockpot and the TV and two lamps, because the damn thing is just so big, and OH MY GOD why can’t they just run another line out from the adapter so the bastard doesn’t take up two spots.
The inventor of the computer (Jonathan Computer) recognized this problem, and designed the computer power supply so it sits in the case, and delivers power specifically for the parts you need. Now, the power supply can frequently be a weak link in a bad ass computer, because when you sit at CompUSA and you’re looking at the PSUs (which stands for power supply, uh) realizing that you’ve already spent way too much money on the motherboard (because AT couldn’t shut the hell up about it) you decide to just buy the cheap one. Hell, they all look the same, right?
Right. They really kinda do, which is why I suggest sprucing it up. Stick paper clips in it, with little styrofoam balls at the end. Its not really a fire hazard, because who’s not going to wake up if they smell styrofoam burning, right? Right.
So, the PSU has several little outputs for the motherboard, case fans, video cards, hard drives, DVD drives, and whatever else. Its like a little square octopus. Or, like a little square alien octopus once you get those paper clips in there. It delivers power to everything, not unlike a socialistic economy.
Remember we were talking about long term and short term memory?
No?
Well, maybe thats because you don’t have enough RAM. The long term memory, now, is the hard drive. The hard drive doesn’t really improve performance most of the time, because, with some exceptions, they tend to run at a fairly standard speed. If it runs much faster, the computer has a tendency to go backwards in time, causing you to lose that Excel spreadsheet keeping track of all of your John Cusack movies. The hard drive is where Windows lives, or Linux, if you swing that way (not Macs, tho, Joel, because they don’t count, and have different rules). Its where all of your pictures (yes, even THOSE ones) are, and all the music that you ‘bought’, and those games, and the codes for those nuclear silos, and all the things that make your computer more than an inanimate object with racing stripes.
Then beyond that you have some wires and screws. Those are, I dunno, the wires and screws of this theoretical guy. This theoretical robot guy. They do… things. With electricity. If you want to know more about wires, go to college.
If you want to know about screws, well, just wait for the next spam to slip through…
Next time!
We explain THIS PICTURE!
I’ll teach you how to spend lots of money online!
$$$$$$$
AND
OTHER THINGS!
