Atomictumor

We decided to splurge today and take the kids to the theater.  I took MastaG to see Pirates of the Caribbean 2 while AT took Pigpen to see Cars.  Both movies were a big success, entertaining children and adults alike.
And once again I was reminded about how much I hate people.  There are certain characters that can be found at every movie theater in America.  I’m gonna break it down for you folks.

The Talker:  Everyone knows this asshole.  There’s not much to say about him, other than we all hate him.  Bastard.

The Reader:  This one is usually found only at foreign movies where subtitles are used, but if you stick around for the credits, you may encounter the Reader at any film, performing a running dialogue of make-up artists’ names and song titles.

The Explainer:  The Explainer is usually found in kids’ movies.  They assume that the child (or any person within hearing distance) is too stupid to understand what the hell they’re watching.

That One Guy who Wears Too Much Cologne:  Easy to sniff out and avoid, unless he gets there after you and traps you in your seat.  Beware his stench.

The Laugher:  Usually a dumpy woman in her mid-40’s, the Laugher finds everything funny.  While I’m sure that’s good for her blood pressure, it does shit all for mine.

The Late Asshole:  Some people cheat the system and time their entrance to avoid those pesky commercials and sometimes irritating previews, but the true Late Asshole wanders in well after the movie has actually started, and usually picks a seat right next to you.

The Parent Who Couldn’t be Arsed to Get a Babysitter:  Easily one of the most hated of all movie-goers, TPWCBATGAB constantly interupts the flow of the movie by taking their child in and out of the theater, threatening, cajoling, or ignoring their fussy baby or small child.  A swift kick to the nuts (or ovaries) is heartily advised, to ensure they do not have more children with which to interrupt future movie-going experiences.

The Parent with the Kid Who’s Way Too Young to See This Movie:  This isn’t to be confused with The Parent Who Couldn’t be Arsed to Get a Babysitter.  The PWTKWWTYTSTM takes youngsters to extremely gory, scary and violent movies and then ignores the child as it wails and begs to leave.

The Schmuck with the Phone:  TURN IT OFF, YOU SELFISH PRICK!

The Litterer:  While not really a nuisance to the average movie-goer, the Litterer is the one responsible for the sticky floor and the half-empty tub of popcorn you step in on your way out.

The Mouth-Breather:  Usually sitting beside you or directly behind you, you can hear his moist inhalations any time there’s a quiet scene.

The Kicker:  Often a child, but not always, the Kicker is the one that always sits behind you.

The Predictor (or Dionne Warwick):  That one asshole who blabs early and often about how the movie’s going to end.  Usually encountered in movies with twist endings which you have valiantly avoided thus far.

I enjoy learning new things and consider myself to be a fairly well-rounded individual, intellectually speaking.
Perhaps that’s why it surprises me so much when people are violently ignorant.  Take, for example, the short exchange about the Trail of Tears in my class the other day:

Lady #1:  “What’s that?”
Me:  (employing broad strokes only, as to not shatter her puny mind)  “It’s when Native American tribes were rounded up and marched across the country.”
Lady #2:  “GAC, how do you know so much?!”
Me:  “I went to middle school.”

Yesterday a classmate exclaimed “Deja vu!” and another woman pondered aloud the causation.  Having read an article about deja vu a few months ago, I chimed in with one likely theory (information is passed back and forth from short term to long term memory very fast, and sometimes the same message repeats itself, giving the person a sense of again-ness).  Everyone looked at me as if I had a second head growing.  This was followed by various people saying things like “If you know so much, tell me… “
I wasn’t aware that having common knowledge (Trail of Tears) or reading the occassional scientific article is considered genius territory.
And before you start talking about how the education system is producing idiot kids these day, the two women ignorant of the Trail of Tears were both older than myself.

Long ago, in galaxy far, far away called France there lived people who thought very highly of themselves. They met in salons where they had their hair done and talked. These puff heads eventually came up with great compendiums of knowledge called encylopedias. They thought they could put all of knowledge in these books.
So in the spirit of hair dressers of yore I give you,

Bosphorus’s Handy List of Things Not to Ignore.

1) Growth on the positive post of your car’s battery. It sometimes resembles a blue beard. Consequence: left stranded at work after hours and a morning spent wondering what could be wrong with stupid vehicle.
Solution: Clean the post imediately! Mix a heaping spoonful of baking soda into two cups of water and pour directly onto post. Don’t be surprised by the resulting chemical reaction. Please try this at your own risk, etc…

2) Don’t ignore termites flying around your house. These indicate the presence of pesky social bugs.
Consequence: Your house could fall down around you.
Solution: Call exterminator (see entry #154).

I hope you find this somewhat enlightening and that you will contribute to this worthy and advantageous enterprise.