Atomictumor

No, I’m not trying to stir up theological debate.

Just wanted to share with you the latest Lent snack food.

What next - a seasonal Lent aisle in Wal-Mart?

We had ribeye for dinner tonight courtesy of the hospital. It’s their special dinner for new parents. Ribeye, asparagus, rice pilaf… etc.

The Missus has gotten little catnaps today. She’s doing well. Beav (I don’t know about that, guys. I feel like it ought to get a beavis & butthead huh, huh after everytime I say it.) is finding his appetite.

Lugnut went up to his Granny & PopPop’s place today. He was excited about that. They feed him good stuff, too.

Thanks for all your warm wishes, guys. Now it’s back to the hospital.

Things have been pretty good to me, which is part of the reason I haven’t been writing much personal stuff lately.  That, and I don’t really know what to say.

The only real casualty right now is that I don’t really have fun like I used to, BJ was a ton of fun to be around.  She made me happy.  The memories of that make me happy now, thus proving that she was so fun that I’m still entertained 2 months after her death.

Well, its not too months yet, is it?

I met a fellow recently who lost his wife as well, about four months ago.  He had been married to her for 2.5 times longer than BJ and I, and was a bit older, and it wasn’t as sudden, but he was still obviously hurting.  I don’t feel that way.

When I mentioned it to the Freud guy, he agreed with my assessment that I’m only processing the smaller things now, because the overwhelming grief of her being gone is too big to fit in my head.  I’d like to agree, but I don’t know that I do.  I’m getting more towards being ‘me’.

I do spend some time wondering what the hell I’m going to do.  I discovered today that I had the foresight to accidentally register at Pellissippi for this spring, so I’m wide open to take some classes.  I still don’t have enough shit together to go full time tho, and as I was going through it trying to figure out what to take I got overwhelmed and irritated, and then just generally depressed toward the whole school thing.  Talk about something big to handle… yeah yeah, most of you readers did it, or are doing it, but I’m afraid that I don’t have the self-discipline to do it, and I think if I screw it up, I’m never going to want to try again.

Bleah.

By depressed, I mean I read something else instead, and pretended that school didn’t exist.

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Today when I logged out of work (which has been remarkably good to me… its been busy, but being back in the office isn’t bad at all) and picked up MastaG, he and Pigpen played outside, until G’s friends came, and he asked to go to their house and jump on a trampoline.

Pigpen’s too little.  Its not fair to hold G back, so I tried to distract him with the promise of a movie, but G was too slow, and Pigpen caught him on the way out and wanted to come.  I told him no, and Pigpen sat on the back porch and cried.

Poor boy.  I cuddled him, and tried to figure out something to do with him.  He didn’t want to play (I didn’t particularly want to either), he didn’t want to watch a movie, he wanted to go jump on the trampoline.  Finally, it was concluded that we’d go to Old McDonalds, which perked him right up.

Yay, Mcdonalds.  Ugg…

So, we went, and the boys played on the playground for a good long time, and then we went in to get food.  There was a couple in line in front of me, and the 5 people in the back were all busy doing something other than taking orders.  Or filling orders.  I mean, they were obviously busy, and doing fast food type of work, but still nothing was getting done.

After a few long minutes of waiting, somebody deigned to take the couples order.

The couple, who had been sitting in front of the BIG ASSED menu for 5 minutes, proceeded to ask each other what they wanted to eat.

My jaw dropped.  I’m normally pretty contained, but it dropped in sheer slackjawed amazement.

They debated the pros and cons of the order to the obviously uninterested (and who can blame him, hell, he’s working at McDonalds) employee, and finally, after great fanfare, selected their entrees.  The guy takes off to start pouring drinks, and they decide they want something else.

When he arrives, the circle begins again, this time with me not being able to stifle a “Jesus tapdancing Christ” of sheer eye-twitching amazement.

So, I did what I do in those situations, I started counting very… slowly…

When I got to 100, I split, got the kids Chik-Fil-A and me some chinese, to a small but non-heartfelt protest from Pigpen.  Then we watched Spongebob, and I fell asleep cuddling him with a nice full belly of Chinese.

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They’re in the bed now, and I’ll let you in on a secret:

This has become a special time of day for me.

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I put the kids to bed, wait for them to be settled while I watch TV, or some episodes of Adult Swim cartoons, or something.  Then I get one of those cigars, take it outside, lay on the hood of the car, smoke it, and look for something.

Last night, the cigar burned itself out while I meditated, and watched the cloud cover, and the stars, and the airplanes.

I listened to the sounds of the town around me.

I felt for BJ, or God, or whoever would be with me.  I talked to them, and I tried like hell to listen.  I prayed for peace, for me, and the boys, and my family, and friends, and you.

I felt that peace.  It was a similar peace that I found with The Beauty, only without the giddyness.  It was a resigned peace, one that knows of pain past and future, but also one that feels overwhelming love.  Love for BJ, or god, or the boys, or myself, of family, friends, you.

I do that every night, have been for a week or so, and I think thats why I’m feeling good now.  Its what I wake up looking forward to doing.  Its what lets me sleep like a baby at night.

See you out there.

The Spotz and I are headed out this afternoon for our Christmas present together. This is the last of the experiential Christmas presents. The Missus and October went out last week and had a good girly time together. They did their nails and everything! Lugnut and I drove all over Oak Ridge Friday evening looking for a hotdog. We found a couple over at the Time Out Deli in Grove Center.

We’d hoped to give the kids something a little different than the usual stuff they get. The Missus and I wanted to give them something besides an… object. We wanted to give them a meaningful sort of gift. A gift that doesn’t take up more space in the world (ahem, our house) and that goes beyond itself by making something new. We get time together just for fun. Thus the great Cemestos Gardens Experiential Christmas Extravaganza. Yeah!

So Spotz and I are going to The Museum of Science and Energy first. Spotz is all about the science and has already said he wants to be a scientist when he grows up. There’s a “Grossology” exhibit we’re going to check out. Then we have Redlobster on board for some shrimp and greasy, cheese biscuits. Spotz likes to eat the shrimp. I like to eat. Starbucks will top the evening with some hot chocolate.

So, I know all the Christmas food drives are over, but damnation, I have like 4 bags of flour and a big ol’ box of dry food that we’re never going to eat, so I need to know who needs it. I know the Second Warehouse or whatever its called down in K-town takes it, but man, I’m not into driving all over hells half acre to give away food. I’m all about charity, but convenient charity.

Go ahead, call me lazy.

(lazy)

Gee, thanks.

Seriously tho, (and I’m going to be bad and name somebody on the blog) a gal named Stephanie who knew BJ at Pellissippi (and who I don’t think I ever met) was responsible for a massively huge part of our Christmas. She arranged for this food, through the Knoxville Christian Center, and about 4 massive garbage bags full of toys for the kids. Good toys too. They found a nerf gun that I couldn’t find in Target, Toys R Us, Walmart, or online. Big old massive thing, could put a dent in a car. It made the kids Christmas, and I’m very, very grateful.

I call her out, but there were also so many other people who helped. All those that donated to the BJ fund, and all those that sent 10 or 20 bucks as checks. I really, really appreciate it. I tried to pay the world back somewhat by making a donation to Doctors Without Borders in BJ’s name (I think I mentioned that before), but I’d rather do something more personal and local, but I don’t think I’ll be able to. Maybe I’ll be the guy that can help out the next person in trouble, or something.

(Edit: In my tendency and determination to get things wrong, I have been kindly reminded by Eaves that it was not Stephanie who provided the food basket, but Sandy King and the crowd at ADFAC the Moose Lodge here in Oak Ridge. They also forked over some of the gifts, I understand. Sorry!)
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We’re working hard cleaning up the house. MastaG is working toward that massive nerf gun war I promised, and Pigpen, well, he’s only working when I’m watching him, but thats OK. I don’t really mind him not wanting to work, but G thinks its unfair that the slacker doesn’t work while he’s having to, and part of me agrees. The other part remembers going red in the face trying to get G to clean up at 4.

So, its OK.

Today’s been a stress free day with regard to working, but thats because I’m doing the bare minimum. I can’t keep that up for long and feel good about being paid, so I’m still not sure there. HR suggests that I talk to a grief councilor, and gave me a number for the one that the company pays for. I might call that tonight.

Which leads to the next item for today, cancelling BJ’s cell phone line. We bought in with Nextel right before Sprint when and screwed it up by buying them and pissing all over the customer service department. I hear getting out of a contract without paying the $250/line fee takes an act of friggin congress, so we’ll just have to see what happens. I sent an email today, because I’m not interested in explaining the situation over the phone.

I’d love to get out of my line also, because frankly, it sucks, but I think I might be willing to suck it up and wait for June, when our contract ends. That, or it might be worth $250, but that seems awful wasteful.

When I get a new phone, I reckon it’ll be a pda’ish kinda thing. Woot.

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So, anyway, local people, tell me where to take all this damn food. Cuz its taking up room in the kitchen!