Atomictumor

Now that the day has come and passed, I’m fairly confident we can talk about it without fear of retaliation.

Apparently, now, I did something to piss yesterday off.  Maybe I ding its car, and didn’t realize it, but it was out to get me with a myriad of little things.

I decided, around 4 PM, to fight back, by going TV shopping.  Ah yes, that’ll straighten it out.  My plan was to go out and get something to pretty much directly replace the cherished GE 27 incher that has adorned some section of our house since BJ and I got married many moons ago.

As happens when one goes shopping (or, when I go shopping), I quickly decided that a direct replacement is not the wisest choice.  I started thinking ‘What would Ghandi do?  What would Franklin do?  What would Camus do?”

They’d get an LCD.  Or at least, thats what they told me.

So I drove, and drove.  I went to HH Gregg, where I found an open box “Spectroniq” 32 inch LCD TV for $488, but was a bit leery.  I drove on, to Target, where I found a 37 inch one for $688, but kept driving.  I went to Walmart, where I found, well, nothing.  Then I went to Best Buy and Circuit City, which were a total waste of time.

In between that time, now, I had a lovely dinner with the Cemesto’s gang, and had a moment of clarity, during which I wrote this text message:

“In the bthrm at mello mushrm waitn on
pigpen, Freebird on. Pull my hair back w my
hands, look in the mirror, my mulleted self
lookin back.
Bird u cant change.”

I sent that to the sidebar, in keeping with the mulleted conversations of late, but, it was the grim Wednesday, and it never got posted.  Twittr is apparently not working very well for me, several of my texts disappear like that.  Need to find a solution to that before Bonnaroo.’

So, anyway, after dinner we drove back to HH Gregg to get the open box TV, after finding some decent reviews of it, but damned if there isn’t somebody sitting in the “buyer’s chair” with that thing in a box behind him.

So, I bought the one at Target.  I signed up for their dumb little credit card to get 10 percent off my order, and got the 3 year warranty.

I was feeling pretty good about myself.  This TV is way better than I need, and I haven’t completely wasted money in quite a while.  While the ghost of GAC wasn’t exactly patting my back, neither did I feel her ghostly fingers trying to choke the life out of me for wasting money. MastaG was confident, however, that she’d approve, while strangling me.  He’s one for contradictions, that boy.

So, I get the TV on the buggy, the dude’s bringing it out front, I swing my car around, and…

Damn thing doesn’t fit.

Grim Wednesday has struck again.

So, I drove home, defeated,  but it occurred to me coming home that I’ve been getting so angry lately at little things, as I’m sure comes through in my posts.  I mean, I’ve always been snarky, and somewhat aggressive, but rarely angry.  Thats changed, and I want to get myself back to the way I used to be.

Pigpen had another solution:

“We need to get a smaller TV, Dad.”

Ahh, blogs.

When I write the garbage that I spew out, I never really think too much about what people get out of it.  Sometimes I have something that I just wanna get off my chest, and I air it in the only soapbox that I’ve got.  Sometimes I just feel like I need to write something to keep the date in the calendar on the front page from being grey instead of blue (yes, I’m compulsive that way).

Regardless, I write mostly for myself.  However, its always a bit of a weird honor to realize that people get something out of it.  I never really realized it until November, when everybody was showing up reading the stuff that I was writing about BJ’s illness.  At the time, I’d reread what I wrote, and think “Dude, thats totally not what I wanted to say”, it was never quite right.  Now, I look back at those things and think “Damn, that was some writing”.

When I think of things that make me think, or things that make me understand, I don’t really jump right to websites as the first thing.  Usually, me being who I am, its music that hits me that way first.  Sometimes its a TV show or a movie.  Still tho, I look at the websites that I link to on a daily basis (I link to em simply because I like reading them).

The point is, Joe Powell gave the ‘tumor a bit of an honor by calling us out for a Thinking Blogger Award.  Now, I normally stay far away from tags and honors and stuff like that, but when it comes from ol’ Joe, I can’t really say no.

So, evidently, theres some sort of protocol towards this, and I’m supposed to call out 5 blogs that make me think.  Hmm.  Thats a tough one, because the first thing that comes to mind are the posts that Bos and Eaves drop on the tumor, but that’d be self-advertising, and I’d probably be beaten up by the Thinking Blogger Goon Squad for it.

So, I’ll call out their site first, Nine Months.

I always admire the ability of people to keep up with the freaky world of local politics, particularly when it pertains to education.  For that reason, Netmom’s place is a good read.  She has a great ability to make the convoluted world of educational politics understandable, and she has an amazing ability to keep up with it, which is something that I just couldn’t do.  On top of that, because reading a page that’s entirely about government and politics can be a boring endeavor, she sprinkles a few tidbits from her home life in there, just enough to keep you entertained.

Another one is a site that I’ve been going to for a while, Reality Me.  I can sometimes keep up with Doug when he’s talking geek (and his geek far outweighs mine), and I know when I put on a hardcore geek post, at least he will be able to keep up with me (Netmom usually can to).  What makes me think most, tho, is his philosophy.  He’s a dude who’s working harder in one day than I do all week, and he still relates to the rest of the world, and is a strong family guy.  Thats something I respect.

Yeah, I dig the family thing.  I’m a softie that way.  I’ve been enjoying watching Knoxjon become a dad, something he didn’t at all see happening a year ago.  His posts are usually short, but he has a great way of saying exactly what needs to be said in a few sentences, something I never really learned to do.  I look forward to whats happening to him.

Yes, thats just four, and I’m done.  I’m not a thinking person, am I?

It has been 6 days since we came home from the hospital, and I’m just now catching up on my ‘tumor reading. Between Leo, a gaggle of older kids and having to compete for computer time with Bos and my Mom, I just haven’t had much time to devote to reading the ‘tumor right now. I miss it, and am thankful for a few moments today to reacquaint myself. Thanks to Bos, AT and all you great folks out there for the posts, comments, love and support. What a nice feeling it is!

—

I have been tremendously impressed with how the older Cemestos kids have adjusted to having a new baby. October, who had dreaded having another little brother, took to Leo immediately and has been very sweet and helpful. Spotz hasn’t reacted much in general, but is content to hold Leo every once and a while and go about his normal business the rest of the time. Lugnut didn’t quite know what to think of Leo when he was first born, saying “Oh, a cute baby,” but not wanting to come anywhere close to him. He has since changed his tune and prefers to be near him whenever possible.

There have been some brief glimpses of the older kids feeling a bit off. Despite their overall positive reactions, I know that this is a big adjustment for them. For all of us.

—

Emotionally, I am always at my healthiest while pregnant (is that why I kept getting pregnant?). A couple months before becoming pregnant with Leo, I had started seeing a shrink for anxiety issues; I stopped going once I learned I was pregnant - primarily for financial reasons but also because it was an easy out. I liked the lady, but we just weren’t compatible.

Throughout the pregnancy, my anxiety symptoms lessened quite a bit. Now that I’m unpregnant again, I can feel them coming back. It is primarily coming through in my annoying tendency toward hypochondria, which has been exasperated by real-life occurences (BJ’s death, Leo’s scare with Group B strep). Poor Bos - it seems like it’s every five minutes that I’m asking him if this or that symptom seems alarming to him. He’s patient with me, and I really appreciate that.

Being pregnant also gave me a hormonal shot of numbness in dealing with BJ’s death. I’ve had that happen before; my older brother and only sibling died when I was 8 months pregnant with October, and I really didn’t grieve much until well after she was born.

So, being unpregnant starts the grief process with BJ all over again (and I’m sure that massive hormonal fluctuations and baby blues play into this, as well). I don’t talk about it much, and when AT calls to see how we’re doing (because he’s awesome that way), I always have a noncommittal answer. It’s hard for me to show vulnerability, because I’m silly and stubborn that way.

—

There’s sadness, and anxiety. But there’s also such an overwhelming joy flowing through me right now. Leo completes our family, which brings this peaceful sensation that I hadn’t expected or experienced before. Perhaps that’s the Beauty coming through.

Things have been pretty good to me, which is part of the reason I haven’t been writing much personal stuff lately.  That, and I don’t really know what to say.

The only real casualty right now is that I don’t really have fun like I used to, BJ was a ton of fun to be around.  She made me happy.  The memories of that make me happy now, thus proving that she was so fun that I’m still entertained 2 months after her death.

Well, its not too months yet, is it?

I met a fellow recently who lost his wife as well, about four months ago.  He had been married to her for 2.5 times longer than BJ and I, and was a bit older, and it wasn’t as sudden, but he was still obviously hurting.  I don’t feel that way.

When I mentioned it to the Freud guy, he agreed with my assessment that I’m only processing the smaller things now, because the overwhelming grief of her being gone is too big to fit in my head.  I’d like to agree, but I don’t know that I do.  I’m getting more towards being ‘me’.

I do spend some time wondering what the hell I’m going to do.  I discovered today that I had the foresight to accidentally register at Pellissippi for this spring, so I’m wide open to take some classes.  I still don’t have enough shit together to go full time tho, and as I was going through it trying to figure out what to take I got overwhelmed and irritated, and then just generally depressed toward the whole school thing.  Talk about something big to handle… yeah yeah, most of you readers did it, or are doing it, but I’m afraid that I don’t have the self-discipline to do it, and I think if I screw it up, I’m never going to want to try again.

Bleah.

By depressed, I mean I read something else instead, and pretended that school didn’t exist.

—

Today when I logged out of work (which has been remarkably good to me… its been busy, but being back in the office isn’t bad at all) and picked up MastaG, he and Pigpen played outside, until G’s friends came, and he asked to go to their house and jump on a trampoline.

Pigpen’s too little.  Its not fair to hold G back, so I tried to distract him with the promise of a movie, but G was too slow, and Pigpen caught him on the way out and wanted to come.  I told him no, and Pigpen sat on the back porch and cried.

Poor boy.  I cuddled him, and tried to figure out something to do with him.  He didn’t want to play (I didn’t particularly want to either), he didn’t want to watch a movie, he wanted to go jump on the trampoline.  Finally, it was concluded that we’d go to Old McDonalds, which perked him right up.

Yay, Mcdonalds.  Ugg…

So, we went, and the boys played on the playground for a good long time, and then we went in to get food.  There was a couple in line in front of me, and the 5 people in the back were all busy doing something other than taking orders.  Or filling orders.  I mean, they were obviously busy, and doing fast food type of work, but still nothing was getting done.

After a few long minutes of waiting, somebody deigned to take the couples order.

The couple, who had been sitting in front of the BIG ASSED menu for 5 minutes, proceeded to ask each other what they wanted to eat.

My jaw dropped.  I’m normally pretty contained, but it dropped in sheer slackjawed amazement.

They debated the pros and cons of the order to the obviously uninterested (and who can blame him, hell, he’s working at McDonalds) employee, and finally, after great fanfare, selected their entrees.  The guy takes off to start pouring drinks, and they decide they want something else.

When he arrives, the circle begins again, this time with me not being able to stifle a “Jesus tapdancing Christ” of sheer eye-twitching amazement.

So, I did what I do in those situations, I started counting very… slowly…

When I got to 100, I split, got the kids Chik-Fil-A and me some chinese, to a small but non-heartfelt protest from Pigpen.  Then we watched Spongebob, and I fell asleep cuddling him with a nice full belly of Chinese.

—

They’re in the bed now, and I’ll let you in on a secret:

This has become a special time of day for me.

—

I put the kids to bed, wait for them to be settled while I watch TV, or some episodes of Adult Swim cartoons, or something.  Then I get one of those cigars, take it outside, lay on the hood of the car, smoke it, and look for something.

Last night, the cigar burned itself out while I meditated, and watched the cloud cover, and the stars, and the airplanes.

I listened to the sounds of the town around me.

I felt for BJ, or God, or whoever would be with me.  I talked to them, and I tried like hell to listen.  I prayed for peace, for me, and the boys, and my family, and friends, and you.

I felt that peace.  It was a similar peace that I found with The Beauty, only without the giddyness.  It was a resigned peace, one that knows of pain past and future, but also one that feels overwhelming love.  Love for BJ, or god, or the boys, or myself, of family, friends, you.

I do that every night, have been for a week or so, and I think thats why I’m feeling good now.  Its what I wake up looking forward to doing.  Its what lets me sleep like a baby at night.

See you out there.

Thats right, somebody gave the boys “Santa’s North Poles” for Christmas.  One of the best named items I’ve ever seen.

—

During the filming of this post, a random act of violence occurred.  We have captured images for posterity.  We warn you, they are graphic, and as such, we are only showing them after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »