Atomictumor

Welp, its been a time and a half, but I think that the ol’ Tumor is getting long in the tooth. Its limping along, and starting to try to bite the chickens. Its foaming at the mouth just a bit, and its been looking at you with a gleam in your eyes that has you keeping a little bit of distance.

When that happens, brother, its time to take it out back and do something about it.

So, I was going to just take it off and save me some hosting money, but the Lady convinced me that maybe this stuff might help somebody, or at least make some interesting reading for people who have too much, uh, normality in their life.

Speaking of which, I’m chock full of normal these days. I get up in the morning with an angel, the woman I love so amazingly dearly, the person who I thought just didn’t exist, or was too good to be true, or something. Anyway, this chick is laying right next to me, every single morning. We get up, we have our coffee, we get our (hee, our) kids off to school, we meet up at her work for more coffee, we talk, we chat, we flirt, we laugh. Sometimes we bitch. All those little normal things.

We go our ways throughout the day, sending text messages back and forth. We talk about whats for supper, or if we should rent a movie, or which bills we should pay this week and which ones we should put off till the next paycheck.

We watch the kids, the ones that I fathered a long time ago, and the ones that she mothered last year.

We cook dinner (or buy out, probably too often), having reached a consensus earlier in the day. We cuddle on the couch and watch TV, or fiddle on the laptop (yeah, we’re still out there on the ol’ internet, just not much to say). We watch geeky shows on the History Channel.

We tuck the kids into bed, and climb in ourselves. We say “I love you. Good night” every night.

Then we do it again.
Thats normal. Thats the stuff that, even if you try your hardest not to, you take for granted. Until something happens that takes it away.

Thing is, if you’re lucky enough to get it back, holy shit, its the most precious thing in the world. Its peace. Its Beauty. Its fulfillment. It feels like more than anybody could possibly deserve, a piece of Heaven on Earth.

Thats where I’m at today.

This little trainwreck of a website started out in a period of that normal, four friends who started up a blog to yap about the little things. We got a little community minded, and it was cool. Its good to feel important in your town, and thats been a rewarding thing.

It became something else when GAC was sick. It became a lifeline. I was going through an impossibly hard time, and the encouragement, and the wisdom, and the help of people all over the world helped get me through it.

You watched as I coped, and as I walked my boys through it. After that, you saw as I met the Lady. Those of you who stuck around watched our love grow. Its the greatest thing of my life.

Now we’re back at that equilibrium, that beautiful time of Normal, and this lifeline just isn’t what it used to be. Theres too much weight hanging around these little ones and zeros, and we’re floating too far above that now. It just doesn’t fly.

So, I’ve closed down the ‘tuma. Bos, Eaves, thanks for helping get this thing started.

Thanks to all the good peoples for good times.

Take it easy, internet.

Meet Xander Crews

Yeah…we’ve had a big week around here. Xander is 6 weeks old and we picked him up today. Plannned puppyhood. We put a deposit down on him when he was days old. Today he was old enough to come home. The boys are very excited about a puppy in the house. My dogs? Well, one of them seems to be intrigued by the pup. The other looked at me like “Oh god, this can’t be happening” (she’s my 12yr old Rotti mix and she just “tolerates” stuff like cats and puppies…but she’s been around them enough to know how to deal with them nicely)

Xander is a blue and rust Doberman.

He’s taken quite nicely to the boys. For just about 8 hours with us, he seems to be a pretty laid-back pup. No whining so far (we’ll see how tonight goes). He chased MastaG around and tried to give him kisses. He’s tickled about Xander. He’s learned to hold him gently and he’s asking lots of questions. I think he’s at a great age to enjoy his own pet.

And now it’s bedtime… wish us luck.

Earlier this week in the Chattanooga area, a mother dropped her kids off at an apartment (in the morning…school? hello?) with a bunch of other children (where they were not being attended by a capable adult) and then went shopping with some friends. The 6 year old little girl got hungry and tried to cook some food. A fire started and she’s in the hospital now with 2nd and 3rd degree burns. Her mother has been arrested and she has no other family. Terrible. Makes my heart hurt. This little girl needs some prayers…

…………………….

I have 3 younger brothers. The oldest one is a 4th grade teacher in the city where I grew up. He’s had a lot of jobs, but teaching is where he belongs. Recently in his class, they’ve been talking a lot about friendship. After he heard about the little girl who got burned, he and his class decided to write the little girl some “get well soon” cards and letters. His fiance’ is interning for her teaching certificate right now, and she did the same in her class. He called me last night to tell me they made the news.

I wanted to send some big ol’ KUDOS to my brother and sis-in-law-to-be for teaching friendship and love. It’s what this world needs more of. It goes a long, long way.

JBAM- you guys have taught your kiddos something huge. Thinking of others and caring for humanity. It’s so, so, so important. And I know that little girl will feel every bit of the love you’ve sent her way. There is no greater gift. You guys rock.

I’m gonna try this… AT told me last week that he’d write again, but I had to write one first. I didn’t think he was serious, but I’m starting to believe he was. I’ve done a couple haikus, but that’s about all. You all don’t know me yet… I guess this is how it starts.

It’s neat. Being part of such a creature that is so much part of so many people’s lives. A little overwhelming, actually. I feel like I’ve stepped into some pretty big shoes…in all kinds of ways. But I’m always up for a challenge (comes with the red hair).

Ever gone somewhere and felt like you’ve been there before? You feel unconditional love, happiness, contentment..like you just fit there? Comfort? And it all seems so familiar, but you don’t know why. Maybe it’s from your childhood.. or teenage years… maybe, wait…ya just can’t analyze it. It’s just awesomeness all around (is that a word? well..it is today). It’s not a place I’ve ever been before. I am where I’ve always wanted to be. My heart is smiling.

Over the last five months, AT and I have talked about a lot of things. We’ve both been healing and “finding ourselves” over the past year. Now we are here. Together. OMG!..it sure is a sweet, sweet place to be.

He told me in November that he is waiting for me to wake up and say “what the hell have I gotten myself into?” Hadn’t happened yet. Not gonna. So there… neener, neener!

I am sooooo looking forward to everything that comes next. Everyday. The next morning coffee together, the next blueberry pop-tart kiss from Juicebox on the way to school, the next cuddle from MastaG, the next family dinner, the next movie at home with “2 big people, 2 little people and a beagle” on the couch…the next quiet evening together after the boys are in bed…

AT, MastaG, Juicebox and I have been a bit strung out on the daily life thing lately. Moving, holidays, family visits, work, selling the house, back to school… Entering the new year, we’ve just now hit a place where we can stop for a rest…it’s been WOOOOOONNDERFUL!

This is life.

I love you, GAC.

Its been a long year, like we all knew it would be.  Like I told G, the next day was Saturday, and the day after that was Sunday, the world kept turning.  Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, they all creeped on by, slowly at first, and then with the normal pace of life.

I tried like hell to reach you.  I went outside every night, and tried to force my mind through the veil of the meaty, physical world, into wherever you were.  I was so afraid that you needed me, that I had to help you through something, that you were all alone, afraid, sad, lost.  Sometimes I got through, like that first Sunday, when I was in the bathroom alone and heard you so clearly as we talked.  Remember?  That was when I asked you to look over your parents, told you that I’d be OK, and you did.

The strange coincidences involved in those situations, the kind of stuff that its so darn easy to believe as coincidences, or dismiss, seem so natural now.

I wish I knew where you were, and what you are doing.  PigpenJuicebox and I had a conversation on the way to school one day, and he suggested that maybe you have a special TV that watches us.  That’s cool.

Thanks for dancing with me in February.  I was down, honey, it was a hard day, but I felt you so clearly holding me, and telling me it was OK.  It lifted me up, and sent me another step forward to where I am today.

Thanks for being with the boys.  There were so many nights that I felt you rubbing their heads, as we said our nightly prayers (we started doing that after you died.  Ironic, huh?), looking after your sweet boys just like you did when you were here.  I know you walked every step with them, and you still do.   They honor you, those kids are amazing.  They manage to have your loyalty to friends, your open heart.  Sometimes, but just rarely, I see your face in them.  You know, tho, I’ve always sucked at telling who looks like who.

I found love again, like you figured I would.  I remember telling you that I couldn’t love anybody but you, and you said that’d be asinine, or something like that.  Those bedroom nighttime “what-if” conversations that I guess everybody has, turns out you were right again.  You’re a pretty smart cookie.

Its nice, because I get the feeling that she loves you too, in a way that I don’t understand.  She certainly isn’t bothered by you, and she’s gone to tears over what happened between you and I once or twice.  She loves me, and thats what you wanted.  More importantly, she loves our punk kids.  She’s a little nervous (and she’ll probably end up reading this, so this is kinda weird) stepping into such big shoes.  I’d tell her that her feet are bigger than yours, but I don’t think that’d help.

Its a testament to you, my little cookie.  You got your family off to an amazing start.  You picked me up, and taught me how to love.  You made me what I am today, and I’m very happy with what I am today.  You helped make those boys the amazing things they are.  They made it through this unscarred, full of the childhood enthusiasm and happiness, they’re not stunted, they’re not angry, and I think that’s because of who you were.  Sure, I guess I had a little bit to do with it, but thats probably because of how you molded me over those 10 years, baby.

You will always be honored and loved in my family, little girl.  You hold such a beautiful spot in my heart, and I will always love you with fervor and intensity.  The beauty of that is that I’ve learned that you can love two that way.

Still kinda wonder how the whole thing works when all three of us are dead, if its some kind of weird heaven love triangle or something, but I’ve been told by wise people that that sort of stuff works itself out, and I guess maybe you already understand how.

That reminds me, I’m envious in a way.  You KNOW.  All the questions, all the wondering, all the theoretical conversations and theories we had over the years about what happens after death, whether enlightenment, nothingness, or something in between, you’re already there.

You’ve convinced me that theres not nothingness, but in that dream I had where you were sitting on the end of the bed, talking to me, and I asked you “What is the secret?”, your smiled at me, turned your head, and left.  That was totally you, you punk girl.

You always liked keeping a good secret from me.

I love you.  Its been a good year, honey.  A hard one, a weird one, but a good one.

Nice talking to you.  Come visit anytime.