So, Sweet Wlady Friday took off shortly after that post, and I was alone listening to my rokkin record collection and loading games on MastaG’s computer.
I now totally have computer envy.
Thats not a good thing, by any stretch. I think theres a computer gap, and if your 10 year old owns faster processing abilities and a much nicer monitor then you do, then you have a problem.
Yep.
I thought about beating up G and taking it, but he knows where I live. He’d probably have Pigpen backing him up, and that boy’s kinda beefy. No, its best to wait until I have a little discretionary cash, and lay it down.
Boy, wouldn’t it be something to get like, a big insurance payment, or something? I bet I could brush off a little discretionary cash from something like that…
—
Damama’s birthday is tomorrow, and like every year, everybody will get drunk to celebrate. I’m looking forward to having a nice reflective new years eve at home.
Despite what would seem to be common wisdom, it feels really good to be alone, in the house.
The boys just went to the inlaws to spend the night, because they’ve been bored around the house. MastaG forgot his friggin suitcase, so I have to schlep it down to Knoxville when I’m done working.
Which I’m having a really hard time with. See, I talk to people on the phone for a living. Problem is, I’ve found myself damn near unable to communicate on the phone in real life. I hate the phone these days. Where does that leave a body?
I’m not as bad as I was Tuesday, but I’m having a hard day. I’d say it was because the kids are gone, but its not really. I didn’t put on clothes or take a shower (well, I had my Pjs on) until 11. I’d love some more time just doing NOTHING, a week or two, but I don’t think its in the cards. I spent all my free time with family, which was nice, but what I really wanted was quiet time.
Ahh, quiet time. I have it now, except for this damn phone in my ear. Its a slow day at work.
I’m figuring after I take MastaGs suitcase, I’ll make an appointment with a therapist of some kind. I have a feeling that I’m on an up crest, and heading back down.
So, I have a hard time communicating right now, evidently, and leaves room for ambiguity when I write posts about how I feel. For some reason, tho, emails I can send. I think this does a good job of capping the conversation we all had earlier…
Hi,
No, don’t misunderstand me, its not that I’m dangerous or anything, its just that when I voice things that come straight through my head, like today, or when I got the organ donation letters, I’m never thrilled with the response. I don’t know what I’m after!
My sense of humor hasn’t entirely failed me, and my reason isn’t gone either. I know this is a phase. I think it comes between anger and disco, or something.
I was hospitalized for bi-polar suicidality back when I was 16, so I know my limits really well. I’ve never had a flair up of the ol’ manic depression that put me in trouble (its there, you can read my writing (even from back before this started) and see I go through inspirations and funks, but I guess everybody does), and I’m nowhere near being too manic or depressed. Its more demoralized than depressed, its that I’ve had such a huge shock that I don’t know whats up or down.
I think Christmas has a lot to do with it, and its over (G and I chucked the tree out the back door an hour ago, and its sooooo nice to have light in the living room again!). I didn’t sleep much last night, and I’ve been up till midnight for the past 2 weeks. I got up at 6 and dealt with work AND the kids today, so yeah, stress was totally there.
I think its understandable, from an objective point of view, which I’m able to achieve right now.
I feel like I’m caught in a vice, tho, with work. Thats uncomfortable. I’m enough of a realist to not up and take off, I’m impulsive when it comes to buying geeky stuff, or inappropriate contact with the wife (sigh), but not to major things. I love change, but my basic laziness overrules it. Basically, I wouldn’t quit without a plan, and while I come up with plans quickly, I sit on them for months before acting (like the move to Chattanooga-go to UTC thing).
I’m afraid if I did leave, I’d miss this place. BJ and I really lucked into this house. She had the idea of painting the bedroom purple, which became so relaxing, with the glossy white doors and sills, and the dark flat purple walls. No furniture, just a TV and a bed.
I love being in there (not so much now, because its messy, but I've got 40% of the house cleaned up as we speak), and I'd hate to leave it, because its something she did that I loved. It tortures me, at the same time. I try to get that feel of her that I had the first few days, where I'd talk and I'd 'hear' her, but if she ever was really there, I don't hear her now. That gave me a lot of peace the first week or two, and I miss it. Now I just hear silence when I talk.\n
Same with the 'tumor. I'd post something like this, but I'm afraid somebody (1 out of 20) would say something dumb, and get me all angry or something. I crave the comfort I got from the site in November, but I'm not getting it now. Bos was here earlier, and I was explaining this, and he asked "what are you looking for?", and I have no clue.
I doubt I'll find that.
With regards to the PTS issues, I don't know. Its possible, but I'm not having any anxiety. I would think that anxiety would go with it all. I'm having stress, if thats the same thing, and a lot of pressure to something (not sure what the pressure is wanting out of me). I love those boys. I don't lean on them, tho. I'm 100% certain that I'm treating them as I would if BJ were here. Thats my big fear, that I'll traumatize them further, but its no different from the fear that you'll drop a baby or something, just irrational. \n
Problem is, when you try to convince somebody you're not crazy, what happens?
I think if this doesn't lighten up by Thursday, I'm going to see about some sort of therapy. I don't know how to start looking, I might talk to some of the people I met in the ICU and see if they recommend somebody. Mebbe the neurologist would know. \n
And Velvet Underground is gooood. I bought Loaded (along with a bunch of other good records) for my christmas present, and its red, and transparent. Now, tell me thats not cool…”,1] );
I love being in there (not so much now, because its messy, but I’ve got 40% of the house cleaned up as we speak), and I’d hate to leave it, because its something she did that I loved. It tortures me, at the same time. I try to get that feel of her that I had the first few days, where I’d talk and I’d ‘hear’ her, but if she ever was really there, I don’t hear her now. That gave me a lot of peace the first week or two, and I miss it. Now I just hear silence when I talk.
Same with the ‘tumor. I’d post something like this, but I’m afraid somebody (1 out of 20) would say something dumb, and get me all angry or something. I crave the comfort I got from the site in November, but I’m not getting it now. Bos was here earlier, and I was explaining this, and he asked “what are you looking for?”, and I have no clue.
I doubt I’ll find that.
With regards to the PTS issues, I don’t know. Its possible, but I’m not having any anxiety. I would think that anxiety would go with it all. I’m having stress, if thats the same thing, and a lot of pressure to something (not sure what the pressure is wanting out of me). I love those boys. I don’t lean on them, tho. I’m 100% certain that I’m treating them as I would if BJ were here. Thats my big fear, that I’ll traumatize them further, but its no different from the fear that you’ll drop a baby or something, just irrational.
Problem is, when you try to convince somebody you’re not crazy, what happens?
I think if this doesn’t lighten up by Thursday, I’m going to see about some sort of therapy. I don’t know how to start looking, I might talk to some of the people I met in the ICU and see if they recommend somebody. Mebbe the neurologist would know.
And Velvet Underground is gooood. I bought Loaded (along with a bunch of other good records) for my christmas present, and its red, and transparent. Now, tell me thats not cool…
So, that about sums it up.
I really love the fact that I can write something here asking for help (and yes, it was hard to ask for… I’m the type of person who likes to have the weight of the world without mentioning it… I’d be sick and BJ would never notice).
A lot of this is really boiling down to wants. Yes, I can work. I really, really, don’t WANT to go into the office while the kids are in school. I bought a $60 bluetooth headset to replace the broken one they gave me because I thought the work at home thing was open ended. I have no real use for it otherwise. I can’t see a reason that the boss wants me in the office, and I hate being told to do something for ambiguous reasons, which goes back to my whole punk-rock-screw-authority thing. Yep, he’s the boss, and since he pays me, he makes the rules.
So it boils down to want and not want. I just want things to go MY WAY for a little while, I think, and the world doesn’t work that way.
But, at the same time, the boys and I are going to have a Nerf gun war when we clean the house up, with the 6 billion Nerf guns they got, so that’ll be going my way. Really, all sorts of things are going my way. Life is good. They had a great (GREAT) Christmas, and they’re coping damn well with all of this. I’m lucky for that.
I’m feeling the clock ticking about going to school. As I mentioned in the comments, things were supposed to be different now. This past year was the last uphill year, BJ was going to be done with school now, and our income was going to more than double. That would have been great, and its not going to happen, and I don’t want another uphill year.
I need to go to school, as Alice said, and I agree with that wholeheartedly. I need to go full time, so I’ll be out before I’m 40 (can’t pay for my college and MastaG’s, and it’d be nice to have some income while the kids still live with me). I NEED to not be working full time and going to school full time, because theres no way that would work without sacrificing the kids, and I’m not going to do that, I love the punks too much.
Where does that leave me? Somebody up there was talking about “a plan”, and I’ve started that somewhat, by sending some emails to some contacts at the community college. My plan is to go to school there part time this semester while I figure out finances, and start full time in the fall.
That is, until I change my mind, which happens often.
Right now, maniacal, bloodthirsty laughter comes from the vicinity of the playroom, where Pigpen’s new Hot Wheels Car Wreck Extravaganza (yes, Virginia, there are two hot wheels sets) is currently destroying his new cars. Its pretty cool, actually.
I’ve been quiet here, because I don’t really want to bring people down (well, I’ve been posting, but they’re super secret and you can’t see it, nanner) but this has been a really, really rough time for me. I’m depressed, I’m alternately angry and sad, and I don’t know what to do with myself.
Today I met with the boss, and found out that despite his earlier declaration that I’ll be able to work from home “indefinitely”, he wants me to be back in the office on a daily basis (4 days a week). I have a really really hard time with that.
I don’t like to air work stuff here, for one because work people probably read the thing (but not at work, because that’d be unproductive, right?) and for another because I don’t like to talk bad about the people that pay me. Just doesn’t seem right.
Problem is, I can’t do it. I mean, I worked since 6, and met the boss at 9, but like damn near everything else its causing me palpable pain and stress. All I think I’m capable of doing is
Hanging out with the kids and trying to make them comforable
Clean up the house
Try to communicate, here, and to friends and family. Thats really hard.
I don’t know what to do. I mean, I really don’t. Evidently I can’t take a FMLA leave, because BJ had the gall to die before I was working a year at this place. Should I talk to HR?
I have an urge to put in a two weeks and quit, but I don’t know if that’d be a bridge I need to cross.
Thing is, folks, I shit you not, I don’t think I can do this. I mean, I really don’t
I came back, the bedroom and playroom were a mess, and I couldn’t find the damn USB connector to upload the movie that I was able to take of the kids seeing the bunkbed and computer for the first time. The movie cut itself off after a minute because evidently the son of a bitchin memory stick ran off with the damn USB connector to have forbidden love somewhere out of my reach, so I had to make do with the 8 MB relic that came with the camera.
After that, I cussed at MastaG’s computer because the wireless adapter wasn’t loading the right way (fixed it by loading the MB’s ethernet drivers first), and then I cussed like a friggin sailor at Pigpen’s Terrordactl playset because OH MY GOD you need a degree to figure out Hot Wheel’s easy to use instructions.
When I was tucking the kids in, I tried like hell to get a lamp plugged into the ‘childproof’ electrical socket cover in their bedroom, and then yelled at G when he said “here, let me try it”. Geez kid, this falls under the ‘if I can’t do it’ category…
I apologized, tucked them in with kisses, said prayers, and walked back into the trashed bedroom and playroom. Then I tried like hell to get into the Christmas spirit.
I never really do any other year, I’m not sure why I care if I do or not this year.
—
In better news, Sumgurl left a beautiful gift of Thomas Creek in the front seat of the Volvo, and some nice people from Eave’s work have put together a food basket and some gifts for the kids. Its hard to be angry and not feel like an ass in the face of generosity, but I think I’ll manage…
Hee.
—
On the way home, I spent the whole drive thinking about how the hell a 28 yr old father of 2 in a committed and very loving relationship for 10 years to his first real love is supposed to get back onto the market.
And why do I think thats a good idea?
Ah well. I guess nobody should be lonely at Christmas. Lets all have a wee little pity party for AT.