I wanted to write you a letter on this Valentine’s Day to tell you a few of the reasons why I love you so much.
* When you hug me, I feel safe. I love your tall.
* You told me you had “poop-brown” eyes. But when you look at me, all I see is depth, warmth and love. I love your brown eyes.
* Even though we’ve said the comfy was all because of the new Bed, it’s not. It’s about being there together. I love our nights together. I love your cuddles.
* It’s hard to get going in the morning, get the kids ready for school, etc. But we have coffee together everyday. I love our coffees. I love morning with you.
* I’m glad you love music. Listening to and dancing to music with you is fun. I love your wiggles.
* I had “Muffins for Moms” this morning with your 5yr old. I’ve been invited to Parent’s Day at the middle-school by your 11yr old next week….too much to say, I’m overwhelmed by feelings on this. I love your boys. I love that you love me to love them.
* You are the most tender, caring man I’ve ever known. I feel it every time you hold my hand. I love your touch.
* We have a connection emotionally that cannot be explained. Even when you aren’t with me, I feel you. I love your being. I love your soul.
My words cannot accurately describe what you mean to me. You love me for me. You love me for where I’ve been, what I am and where I want to be. You love me through my dark times, you love me when the sun shines.
Seems like I was going to make some sort of analogy to this being a conversation a while back, maybe a week or two ago, in a post that I was going to put up but decided against, but the thought is still there. Or something like that.
Like how in a conversation, and when you’re good at it, its best to be on a roll. To start out the conversation, and keep points coming, to listen, but to be engaging at the same time.
In this case, its a little awkward, because, well, its kinda been one of those 10 second pauses when everybody’s been looking at you like something’s growing out of your head, and your mind is giving you something about how it wants to maybe get a screwdriver (the drink, not the handy tool) instead of giving you something intelligent to say out of your mouth.
You’ve lost that beat, man, and damned if its going to pick up by itself. Your mind wandered, you daydreamed, the other guy is saying something about galvanized siding, and all you have is a taste for a delicious orange juice and vodka combination, and then maybe watching something dull on the history channel. Or putting the dishes in the dishwasher away.
It could all be folly. But, hell, you’re on the hot seat, and you have to come up with something.
So you do, and its not at all what you’d want it to be. Luckily, its not about your craving for alcoholic goodness, or how clean the new dishwasher gets your steak knife, and its enough to get everybody looking in the other direction for a few minutes while you try to figure out what to say next, how to steer the conversation back to comfortable, familiar grounds.
Hell, I don’t know what I’d do in a situation like that.
Maybe I’d just have a drink with my babydoll, and watch something dully entertaining on the history channel, because in January of 2008 I’ve found that theres few things more comfortable and familiar than the tiny blisses, those microscopic instances that to the untrained eye, look just like wasted time.
But to the trained eye, to somebody that knows what they’re looking for, well, its beauty.
I’m gonna try this… AT told me last week that he’d write again, but I had to write one first. I didn’t think he was serious, but I’m starting to believe he was. I’ve done a couple haikus, but that’s about all. You all don’t know me yet… I guess this is how it starts.
It’s neat. Being part of such a creature that is so much part of so many people’s lives. A little overwhelming, actually. I feel like I’ve stepped into some pretty big shoes…in all kinds of ways. But I’m always up for a challenge (comes with the red hair).
Ever gone somewhere and felt like you’ve been there before? You feel unconditional love, happiness, contentment..like you just fit there? Comfort? And it all seems so familiar, but you don’t know why. Maybe it’s from your childhood.. or teenage years… maybe, wait…ya just can’t analyze it. It’s just awesomeness all around (is that a word? well..it is today). It’s not a place I’ve ever been before. I am where I’ve always wanted to be. My heart is smiling.
Over the last five months, AT and I have talked about a lot of things. We’ve both been healing and “finding ourselves” over the past year. Now we are here. Together. OMG!..it sure is a sweet, sweet place to be.
He told me in November that he is waiting for me to wake up and say “what the hell have I gotten myself into?” Hadn’t happened yet. Not gonna. So there… neener, neener!
I am sooooo looking forward to everything that comes next. Everyday. The next morning coffee together, the next blueberry pop-tart kiss from Juicebox on the way to school, the next cuddle from MastaG, the next family dinner, the next movie at home with “2 big people, 2 little people and a beagle” on the couch…the next quiet evening together after the boys are in bed…
AT, MastaG, Juicebox and I have been a bit strung out on the daily life thing lately. Moving, holidays, family visits, work, selling the house, back to school… Entering the new year, we’ve just now hit a place where we can stop for a rest…it’s been WOOOOOONNDERFUL!
Its been a long year, like we all knew it would be. Like I told G, the next day was Saturday, and the day after that was Sunday, the world kept turning. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, they all creeped on by, slowly at first, and then with the normal pace of life.
I tried like hell to reach you. I went outside every night, and tried to force my mind through the veil of the meaty, physical world, into wherever you were. I was so afraid that you needed me, that I had to help you through something, that you were all alone, afraid, sad, lost. Sometimes I got through, like that first Sunday, when I was in the bathroom alone and heard you so clearly as we talked. Remember? That was when I asked you to look over your parents, told you that I’d be OK, and you did.
The strange coincidences involved in those situations, the kind of stuff that its so darn easy to believe as coincidences, or dismiss, seem so natural now.
I wish I knew where you were, and what you are doing. PigpenJuicebox and I had a conversation on the way to school one day, and he suggested that maybe you have a special TV that watches us. That’s cool.
Thanks for dancing with me in February. I was down, honey, it was a hard day, but I felt you so clearly holding me, and telling me it was OK. It lifted me up, and sent me another step forward to where I am today.
Thanks for being with the boys. There were so many nights that I felt you rubbing their heads, as we said our nightly prayers (we started doing that after you died. Ironic, huh?), looking after your sweet boys just like you did when you were here. I know you walked every step with them, and you still do. They honor you, those kids are amazing. They manage to have your loyalty to friends, your open heart. Sometimes, but just rarely, I see your face in them. You know, tho, I’ve always sucked at telling who looks like who.
I found love again, like you figured I would. I remember telling you that I couldn’t love anybody but you, and you said that’d be asinine, or something like that. Those bedroom nighttime “what-if” conversations that I guess everybody has, turns out you were right again. You’re a pretty smart cookie.
Its nice, because I get the feeling that she loves you too, in a way that I don’t understand. She certainly isn’t bothered by you, and she’s gone to tears over what happened between you and I once or twice. She loves me, and thats what you wanted. More importantly, she loves our punk kids. She’s a little nervous (and she’ll probably end up reading this, so this is kinda weird) stepping into such big shoes. I’d tell her that her feet are bigger than yours, but I don’t think that’d help.
Its a testament to you, my little cookie. You got your family off to an amazing start. You picked me up, and taught me how to love. You made me what I am today, and I’m very happy with what I am today. You helped make those boys the amazing things they are. They made it through this unscarred, full of the childhood enthusiasm and happiness, they’re not stunted, they’re not angry, and I think that’s because of who you were. Sure, I guess I had a little bit to do with it, but thats probably because of how you molded me over those 10 years, baby.
You will always be honored and loved in my family, little girl. You hold such a beautiful spot in my heart, and I will always love you with fervor and intensity. The beauty of that is that I’ve learned that you can love two that way.
Still kinda wonder how the whole thing works when all three of us are dead, if its some kind of weird heaven love triangle or something, but I’ve been told by wise people that that sort of stuff works itself out, and I guess maybe you already understand how.
That reminds me, I’m envious in a way. You KNOW. All the questions, all the wondering, all the theoretical conversations and theories we had over the years about what happens after death, whether enlightenment, nothingness, or something in between, you’re already there.
You’ve convinced me that theres not nothingness, but in that dream I had where you were sitting on the end of the bed, talking to me, and I asked you “What is the secret?”, your smiled at me, turned your head, and left. That was totally you, you punk girl.
You always liked keeping a good secret from me.
I love you. Its been a good year, honey. A hard one, a weird one, but a good one.
