Atomictumor

OK, if time is not a constant, then right now, 11 rotations of the sun ago, a boy at UT is talking to a beautiful girl, one who was a good friend who he hasn’t seen in a few months. He’s nervous, because he’s found, while she was gone, that a part of him was missing, and he’d like to make sure that part would stay.

He was always awkward around girls, never the ladies man, and he wasn’t sure how to make his intentions known to her. They were walking down to Krystal to get a bite to eat, and he invited her to a party with him.

In a few minutes, they’re going to be sitting down at a table, and talking about past relationships. He’ll offer to be her boyfriend, with nails in his stomach, and adrenaline flowing. This beautiful girl, this goddess on the earth, will say “sure”. She will be with him for all of her days afterwards.

If I could go back in time, and watch this table in Krystal, from across the store, I’d see the beginning of something beautiful. I’d want to tell that boy that he is doing the thing that will make him what he becomes. And that he will be the luckiest guy in the world. I’d just want to look at the girl, maybe shake her hand, or kiss it, if it weren’t too bold (it’d make the boy pretty darn uncomfortable tho, so I probably wouldn’t).

I’d see two paths converging, and intertwining. I’d see love born. Just 11 rotations backwards, right now.

At this moment.

It has been 6 days since we came home from the hospital, and I’m just now catching up on my ‘tumor reading. Between Leo, a gaggle of older kids and having to compete for computer time with Bos and my Mom, I just haven’t had much time to devote to reading the ‘tumor right now. I miss it, and am thankful for a few moments today to reacquaint myself. Thanks to Bos, AT and all you great folks out there for the posts, comments, love and support. What a nice feeling it is!

—

I have been tremendously impressed with how the older Cemestos kids have adjusted to having a new baby. October, who had dreaded having another little brother, took to Leo immediately and has been very sweet and helpful. Spotz hasn’t reacted much in general, but is content to hold Leo every once and a while and go about his normal business the rest of the time. Lugnut didn’t quite know what to think of Leo when he was first born, saying “Oh, a cute baby,” but not wanting to come anywhere close to him. He has since changed his tune and prefers to be near him whenever possible.

There have been some brief glimpses of the older kids feeling a bit off. Despite their overall positive reactions, I know that this is a big adjustment for them. For all of us.

—

Emotionally, I am always at my healthiest while pregnant (is that why I kept getting pregnant?). A couple months before becoming pregnant with Leo, I had started seeing a shrink for anxiety issues; I stopped going once I learned I was pregnant - primarily for financial reasons but also because it was an easy out. I liked the lady, but we just weren’t compatible.

Throughout the pregnancy, my anxiety symptoms lessened quite a bit. Now that I’m unpregnant again, I can feel them coming back. It is primarily coming through in my annoying tendency toward hypochondria, which has been exasperated by real-life occurences (BJ’s death, Leo’s scare with Group B strep). Poor Bos - it seems like it’s every five minutes that I’m asking him if this or that symptom seems alarming to him. He’s patient with me, and I really appreciate that.

Being pregnant also gave me a hormonal shot of numbness in dealing with BJ’s death. I’ve had that happen before; my older brother and only sibling died when I was 8 months pregnant with October, and I really didn’t grieve much until well after she was born.

So, being unpregnant starts the grief process with BJ all over again (and I’m sure that massive hormonal fluctuations and baby blues play into this, as well). I don’t talk about it much, and when AT calls to see how we’re doing (because he’s awesome that way), I always have a noncommittal answer. It’s hard for me to show vulnerability, because I’m silly and stubborn that way.

—

There’s sadness, and anxiety. But there’s also such an overwhelming joy flowing through me right now. Leo completes our family, which brings this peaceful sensation that I hadn’t expected or experienced before. Perhaps that’s the Beauty coming through.

Oh, oh oh.

I listened to that song to make me cry, just to feel it again. It builds, and builds, and builds, and I can’t relieve it without something to focus on. All my memories of BJ are too happy.
I don’t really see how I’m doing this.

I was going to mark this private and hide it, since theres nothing to comment about it, but I won’t.

—

I love you.

Life is beautiful, painful, bright, quiet, small, and magnificent.

I wish you were with me.

Things have been pretty good to me, which is part of the reason I haven’t been writing much personal stuff lately.  That, and I don’t really know what to say.

The only real casualty right now is that I don’t really have fun like I used to, BJ was a ton of fun to be around.  She made me happy.  The memories of that make me happy now, thus proving that she was so fun that I’m still entertained 2 months after her death.

Well, its not too months yet, is it?

I met a fellow recently who lost his wife as well, about four months ago.  He had been married to her for 2.5 times longer than BJ and I, and was a bit older, and it wasn’t as sudden, but he was still obviously hurting.  I don’t feel that way.

When I mentioned it to the Freud guy, he agreed with my assessment that I’m only processing the smaller things now, because the overwhelming grief of her being gone is too big to fit in my head.  I’d like to agree, but I don’t know that I do.  I’m getting more towards being ‘me’.

I do spend some time wondering what the hell I’m going to do.  I discovered today that I had the foresight to accidentally register at Pellissippi for this spring, so I’m wide open to take some classes.  I still don’t have enough shit together to go full time tho, and as I was going through it trying to figure out what to take I got overwhelmed and irritated, and then just generally depressed toward the whole school thing.  Talk about something big to handle… yeah yeah, most of you readers did it, or are doing it, but I’m afraid that I don’t have the self-discipline to do it, and I think if I screw it up, I’m never going to want to try again.

Bleah.

By depressed, I mean I read something else instead, and pretended that school didn’t exist.

—

Today when I logged out of work (which has been remarkably good to me… its been busy, but being back in the office isn’t bad at all) and picked up MastaG, he and Pigpen played outside, until G’s friends came, and he asked to go to their house and jump on a trampoline.

Pigpen’s too little.  Its not fair to hold G back, so I tried to distract him with the promise of a movie, but G was too slow, and Pigpen caught him on the way out and wanted to come.  I told him no, and Pigpen sat on the back porch and cried.

Poor boy.  I cuddled him, and tried to figure out something to do with him.  He didn’t want to play (I didn’t particularly want to either), he didn’t want to watch a movie, he wanted to go jump on the trampoline.  Finally, it was concluded that we’d go to Old McDonalds, which perked him right up.

Yay, Mcdonalds.  Ugg…

So, we went, and the boys played on the playground for a good long time, and then we went in to get food.  There was a couple in line in front of me, and the 5 people in the back were all busy doing something other than taking orders.  Or filling orders.  I mean, they were obviously busy, and doing fast food type of work, but still nothing was getting done.

After a few long minutes of waiting, somebody deigned to take the couples order.

The couple, who had been sitting in front of the BIG ASSED menu for 5 minutes, proceeded to ask each other what they wanted to eat.

My jaw dropped.  I’m normally pretty contained, but it dropped in sheer slackjawed amazement.

They debated the pros and cons of the order to the obviously uninterested (and who can blame him, hell, he’s working at McDonalds) employee, and finally, after great fanfare, selected their entrees.  The guy takes off to start pouring drinks, and they decide they want something else.

When he arrives, the circle begins again, this time with me not being able to stifle a “Jesus tapdancing Christ” of sheer eye-twitching amazement.

So, I did what I do in those situations, I started counting very… slowly…

When I got to 100, I split, got the kids Chik-Fil-A and me some chinese, to a small but non-heartfelt protest from Pigpen.  Then we watched Spongebob, and I fell asleep cuddling him with a nice full belly of Chinese.

—

They’re in the bed now, and I’ll let you in on a secret:

This has become a special time of day for me.

—

I put the kids to bed, wait for them to be settled while I watch TV, or some episodes of Adult Swim cartoons, or something.  Then I get one of those cigars, take it outside, lay on the hood of the car, smoke it, and look for something.

Last night, the cigar burned itself out while I meditated, and watched the cloud cover, and the stars, and the airplanes.

I listened to the sounds of the town around me.

I felt for BJ, or God, or whoever would be with me.  I talked to them, and I tried like hell to listen.  I prayed for peace, for me, and the boys, and my family, and friends, and you.

I felt that peace.  It was a similar peace that I found with The Beauty, only without the giddyness.  It was a resigned peace, one that knows of pain past and future, but also one that feels overwhelming love.  Love for BJ, or god, or the boys, or myself, of family, friends, you.

I do that every night, have been for a week or so, and I think thats why I’m feeling good now.  Its what I wake up looking forward to doing.  Its what lets me sleep like a baby at night.

See you out there.

Before I hit the sack in preparation for tomorrow, the first day back in the office, the first day for the kids back at school, therapy, yadda.

We watched Bruce Almighty after a dinner at the Time Out, which amazed me by being open today, and I didn’t realize what a good movie it was.  I had seen it before, but as I don’t like Jim Carrey as a general rule, I didn’t pay much attention.  MastaG had been taken by the previews for Evan Almighty, which looks awesome,  so we rented it.

I like the idea of God being Morgan Freeman.  He seems like an easy guy to talk to.  I haven’t been mentioning much about God over here, I’ve been mulling the whole thing over in my subconscious, the things that I want to believe, the things I know I’ve seen, and the things I don’t want to believe.

Seeing The Beauty, while it was awhile ago, still has an indelible impact.  I don’t see it now, and haven’t in several weeks, other than occasional moments I only notice after they’re over.  Like tonight, when we were watching that movie, MastaG cuddled up beside me, Pigpen fast asleep and snoring on my lap after his late night last night, a warm, squishy ball of cuddle.

I was busy thinking of BJ, and her journey.  Where she went.

I mentioned before that I feel sometimes like I have an anchor in the afterlife, on account of our connection, and I think it allowed me to feel her presence on a dozen or so occasions.  As time goes on, as I kinda expected, static gets in the connection, and while she may well still be there, holding me, I don’t notice in all the other sensations that life sends your way.

The problem is, having a purely secular mindset is easier.  Santa Claus makes no sense, he pushes his nose and goes up a chimney?  Same way with heaven.  What part of the body is the soul?  Thats whats hard to intellectualize.

But, intellect had nothing to do with feeling BJ, or knowing, beyond any doubt at all, that she’s at peace.  I think God would be the only way for her to find peace, whether its Yahweh what smote the Mennonites or whatever (actually, I think the Mennonites were unsmote), or Morgan Freeman when he’s not narrating penguin movies, or maybe Laurence Oliver, chucking tablets and burning bushes.

I’m in no rush to find the answer, but at least, knowing that BJ is able to communicate with me, I’m content that I will find enough of an answer to satisfy me one day.

—

But I think having the boys cuddling me while we watch a decent movie satisfies me more.